Something is missing!?

Lately, i just feel like I am not in the right place! Tuscaloosa...is just not doin it for me anymore. I don't really know what it is but the spark that I had goin has just kinda died and burnt out some. I get so discouraged because I feel like I have been growin apart from the Lord. I don't feel him like i Used to... It gets easier for me to take a look at sin, and i have started slidin back some. I DON:T WANT TO! I don;t know what else to do. I have prayed.. I have asked the lord to renew me... but... i just don't really feel any different. At the same time, i am still goin to the high school first priorities... and still do the leadership for revolution...and i still act like i am just fine and dandy and my walk with the lord is just perfect.... AND I CANNOT PRETEND ANYMORE! i have talked to a few of my friends about it and they tell me that everyone goes through that phase more than once and to just keep prayin and stay in the wordd..... ok.. .and if i keep doing that.... and it still doesn't work.... THEN WHAT?! then i'm just a hypocrit walking around talkin to these kids and filling them up and i don;t even fill the lords presence! I am confused... I don't even know if i want to do this ministry anymore. Its just not what I thought it would be. I feel like some of the people there are just as fake as I am.. and I don't want to be around other people like that. It seems like they could really care less if i was there or not anyway. Which, to me, is not how a ministry should be. I don't know... maybe i just am all outa whack, i just know that i dont want to be like this anymore! There are so many things I;ve prayed for... and nothing happens.....maybe its because i have doubt...or i dont know! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH im just frustrated and need answers!

FIND ME ON SKYPe

ohhh and btw.... I would love to hear from my friends and see your faces!
Findme on skype
JESSICALAURENPANNELL
ALABAMA

life goes on

Hey yall! sorry I haven't been keepin in touch! I really honestly barely have time to do my homework! haha
I recently have had some family disappointments... im not going to display it on my blog though because it actually is rather embarrasing! Just know that my family and I need prayers to get through it! But as my title says... life does go on!

Other than that.... God has really blessed me lately! Tomorrow, I get to speak for the Lord and give my testimony at a high school First Priority meeting! :) YAYYYYY! I have never spoke in front of a group before nor have I ever really told my testimony! So i ask that anyone who reads this would lift me up tonight in your prayers so that to the best of my ability I can say exactly what The Lord would like for me to say. Also, that I would have the courage to speak the truth and not hold anything back! I have a tendency to leave things out sometimes when I get nervous because I talk so dang fast when I get into a story! THanks!

I also ask that you would pray fot god to give me strength to stay commited to him during my period of commitment! Because every time I turn around I seem to develop feelings for a guy! None of them are any good though! Especially this last one...He seemed so perfect other than the fact he lives in a state on the other side of the country! He was actually a good friend of mine in high school and i liked him then but we were friends so i never said anything.. come to find out, he had liked me too! But after I graduated, we never talked bc he got a gf AND went into the navy and moved across country! Well recently, he came home...for a week.. and all of those feelings i had for him came back stronger because he had came out of his little shy shell from when we were in HS and it was pretty hott that he was a little crazier than i remembered! haaaa the other part of him not being perfect... he is really.... wild? should i say... that actually might be an under statement! but needless to say, he is hilarious!
Anyway... when he left I was a bit devistated because I didnt want to lose someone else that I cared about who seemed to fit almost everything I want in a man! BUT it really doesnt matter and shouldnt matter because guys arent supposed to be what I am focused on right now... and honestly, i feel like I am just kinda losing sight of everything God has to offer me! Because guys always get me into a whole heap of trouble and i end up regretting it all! SO yeah... just pray for strength so I can continue to grow in my relationship with God! :)

hello my lovelies :)

ELLOOOO! I am back... and going to try and stay on top of my blogging, even though I am so so so busy!!!! But life lately has been so exciting! God has taken me places where I can change lives!!
This week started off kind of rocky, I was on commitment to the Lord, and I kinda messed that up with ol boy! I tried to take that situation back into my own hands and again God proved himself that as long as I try to keep that for myself I will lose it. THe reason I tried to take it back into my own hands.. well I didn't try, it just came over me! If that makes sense... But lately I had been reading a book called *Nine ways God Always Speaks* which is basically a book about the signs God shows you, how he shows them to you, who he shows them through, and all that good stuff.... So I got really bold one night and cried out to God like never before and asked him to PLEASEEEEE take my feelings away for this guy if there was nothing for us in the future because I was tired of feeling the way I did!! I said this "God, if at some point, i don't care if its 5 years from now or 5 months or 15 years... if he is supposed to be a part of my life GIVE ME A SIGN!!!" So I will know, and so I can get on with my life! After I prayed and cried so hardddd, I went to bed.... the next morning I had 3 text messages from him and 2 missed calls (I HAVENT HEARD FROM HIM BEFORE THAT IN A WHILE) so when I woke up and saw that i was so confused....was that GoD???? is that a sign?? I asked some friends and they all mainly told me to take it as what it was at the time! that right now I'm on commitment and I need to leave it up to God, because right now ol boy is hindering my walk with God! which is true... so a few days pass and I am still confused and I asked God again, god... I am confused...if that was a sign from you, make it happen again..... SUre enough...the next day...I woke up again with a missed call from him!
I knewwww it was God that time....coinsidences like that dont just happen....as a matter of fact....THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES! Everything is timed by Gods perfect plan. So after I promised myself I WOULDNT TAKE IT BACK into my own hands...... I did... i swore I would not call him or try to do anything, and I did.... I called him that day....he ended up coming over...and once again.. i messed up!
But i can assure you, when he was leaving....I told him to forget about me.... and that I was going to forget about him and block his number....that way, if something were to happen between us, it wouldn't be because he or i tried to make it happen! SOO..in other words...I had to restart my commitment...and this time I have the support of girlfriends and guy friends to make sure i dont get back into that!! No boys til FEB. 6

Other than that, we finally got our High school ministry REVOLUTION up and running... our first one was this past tuesday and it was absolutely amazing and all the glory goes to the Lord!!! We had about 20 high school kids... and thats pretty awesomeeeee for the first week!!!! The city of Tuscaloosa is about to BE ROCKED by jesus and these kids are gonna be shinin so brightttt with the love of christ!!! I can't wait to see how far we can go and how many lives will be changed!!!! WHOOP WHOOPPP

....BuSy BEE

So, school has started back.... AND I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED! oh brother! I cannot seem to get on track with my volunteer hours.... my work hours.... church hours.....God hours.....school hours...... homework hours....! GEEEZZZZZ! it seems like its never going to end! haha While I say all of that..... I honestly..... HAVE TO GIVE GOD GLORY! I prayed and prayed and prayed and then prayed some more for the Lord to fill my life with opporunities to change lives and be a light for Him! I prayed that he would keep me so busy that I would have no time what so ever to think about my past, the people from my past who hurt me, or boys PERIOD.... and he SURE ENOUGHHHHHH as the sky is blue made my semester RIDICULOUSLY busy! :)) But I am so stinkin excited to get started because I am so anxious to see where He is going to take me. I know that doors I didn't even know existed are about to be opened for me.

I am taking 2 classes in which I have to volunteer. Through out this semester, I have to volunteer 100 hours..... yes... ONE HUNDRED hours! One of the places, is an after school care program for At Risk children..... another place is a society in which I get to help in almost every aspect of a persons life..... with food.... shelter....clothing....therapy...finding a job... WHAT ELSE COULD I ASK FOR???? Not only am I going to get a chance to be an example in other peoples lives.... I am also, MYSELF, going to be changed forever by the people I encounter.
I cannot be more thankful to the Lord.

I am soooooo ready to get started!!!!!!

not happenin

so....the friends thing didn't work...its like the enemy does everything in his power to make me crazy mad and jealous...when I shouldn't care in the first place because I gave it to God to deal with....solo HOWWWW does that little devil always manipulate me..I always believe the lies! Pastor Chris at church of the highlands talked about spiritual warfare the others day..and the mind is the most powerful source to create stories and believe them..its so easy to think about something and then the enemy creeps on into your thoughts telling you crap cause that's where our deepest secrets are and that snake twists the grub all kinda ways so you will fall back into his traps! Dont be fooled by his liesssss....they are all lies...the people you are mad at..dont be mad at them because its the enemy INSIDE their minds which causes them to act rude and mean! THe enemy loves for a person to be vulnerable so then that way he can get in your mind and start working to start fights with people about ridiculous things!!! I have honestly come to the conclusion that I will most definitely always love deval...but its the lords decision on if we are ever together again...and that depends on deVals CHOICE to live for God or the world. ...I can't be with someone who is on a downward path going no where... I give GOd control of this situation completely this time...I have to prove to myself..God...and my ex..that I am fine BY MYSELF...and that the only man I need in my life is the lord! ya feel me??? LOL I'm physically tired of being stressed about that situation and for now...its over for good....I'm falling in love with Jesus...and thats the end.

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day 3

so.............. The start of day 3.... Its 5 in the morning and Ummm i can't sleep.............. My mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything i've been through with this guy... I can't stop asking myself "why?" why doesn't he love me the way i love him? And i can't stop thinking about all the other girls that he is JUST FRIENDS with.....am i just a number to him??? How am i supposed to dooooo thisssssssss???????????? He talks to sooooooo many girls.............. The thought of him being with someone else.....AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate the thought process.............. My mind and heart are constantly battling each other....in my mind....there's no way it'll work out....but my heart loves him so much that its willing to do anything just to say we did everything we could to be with this guy! Some friends are like....jess...if he doesn't see how awesome you are by now...then he never will! Maybe that's true....but atleast im giving it one last shot to show him againnnn how great i am! And then after that if he still doesn't see.....then i know for dang sure its not anything about me! I just wish this wasn't something that consumed my mind so much! Hahaha i sit and go over and over in my mind what id say to him later down the road if he ever regretted giving me up! That's just wishful thinking! I miss who i was before i met him....i was independent, confident, and i was HAPPILY SINGLE and not looking for anyone to be with and wasn't concerned with any relationship but the ones with my friends! I miss those days....i wanna go back to that! I pray and pray and pray that god gives me the strength and courage to be a great friend to him...and that my feelings of loving him would just disappear and never come back! Ha RIGHT! Im leaving today to go to the beach with my mom and sister...i think while i'm there im just going to turn off my phone and relax....no phone for 4 days..... The end! Maybe if i don't have a phone i won't worry about if he calls or not :)

my jesus

Which Jesus do you follow? Which Jesus do you serve? If Ephesians says to imitate Christ, Then why do you look so much like the world? Cause my Jesus bled and died, He spent His time with thieves and liars, He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant. So which one do you want to be?Blessed are the poor in spirit. Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land? Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness. Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand. Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins. He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars. He loved the poor and accosted the rich. So which one do you want to be? Who is this that you follow. This picture of the American dream. If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet? Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion, Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins. But the Word says He was battered and scarred. Or did you miss that part? Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him Cause my Jesus bled and died He spent His time with thieves and the least of these He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable, So which one do you want to be? Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church! The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet! But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud...I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd! And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud, I want to be like my Jesus! I want to be like my Jesus! Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus! You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity! I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus, Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me! Can I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus

last chance

So, I'm trying something that I've never tried before....and at the end of my commitment to the Lord, if what I try doesn't work....then i'll know exactly what to do. Which means, for the next 4 months I am going to TRY MY BEST to be "JUST FRIENDS" with my ex boyfriend. The one who I love and hate all at the same time and the one I swore i'd never talk to again.....lol Yup...thats the one! This is the last chance I am giving us....if this doesn't work and it doesn't turn into something more over time....then I gotta really give it up...unless over the next 4 months my heart and mind and soul give it up on its own and somehow I just automatically get used to being just friends with him and I move on without even realizing it.

Another reason I am doing this, is because I asked the Lord to give me a sign... A sign that He is the one! I prayed that on sunday night... monday i invited him over to talk and explain how I feel and see how he feels... and he didn;t show up...TUESDAY morning at 8am he knocks on my door...i didn't really know what to make of that! BUT no matter what happens, no matter how bad he treats me...I can ONLY PICTURE us in the future. I have this gut feeling that he is the one... and that he is going to be a strong willed man, a godly man, a loving man, and hard working. I don't think it makes any sense to have this desire or these thoughts for no reason... and the fact that after all of this time... I can still love him like that!??? it just doesn'ttttt make sense! I honestly, believe that this IS part of Gods will. I have been telling God I trust him.... but I don't think God really believes me. Because I wasn't confident about being just friends with this guy that I am so used to being more involved with.... I started to ask God again after my ex and I talked... I said Lord...is this you???? what is this??? Where the heck is this going????? not ONLY did God remind me that I am on commitment and shouldn't be focused on this dude anywayssss but He also pointed out Two other verses to make me understand and to bring some things to light!
The first verse was from ephesians....
*The more words you speak, the less they mean. So why over do it? Ephesians 6:11 I think the Lord said this to me... because when it comes to my ex..... I say more than I should.... I say over and over that I don't wanna talk to him... thats its over...I'm done and I go right back to him after thats all done! Then I talk TOO much when I am trying to get back together and make things work.... and its not about words....... its about actions!! and I think the lord was saying to me... Jessica, stop running your mouth! Your not letting me guide you! I'm not done with fixing everything inside of your heart yet so stop trying to move ahead when its not time! You promised yourself to ME!! Which is true...

The second verse that the Lord shared with me which is the one that I think is most definately LEGIT and gives me a reasonable explanation for why I decided to go on commitment and gives me a sign to what I was asking for!!
* But if we look forward to something we don't have YET, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25
If I asked for something that I have been wanting for a long time... and i havent gotten it YET... i have been praying and asking all wrong! I DEFINATELYYYY have not been patient... and i for sure haven't been confident about it...i am absolutely NO psychic! so theres no telling what could happen... but in the dictionary, one of the meanings for the word "yet" means eventually.... so for god to show that to me at this specific time and in regaurds to what I was asking him..... He pretty much answered it!

I believe that God wants us to be just friends for right now, because I've never really been a good witness to this boy....I've never been serious about actually doing anything... and I know that before the Lord will let me be with anyone... I have to learn how to BE MYSELF and stand up for who I am.... I also know that THe Lord is NOTTTT going to settle for me being with someone who lives for this world.... I am really hoping that through this process, he remembers and sees the reasons why he fell in love in the first place.... I am hoping that I can also lead him closer to God. Because two people can never be together if one lives for the Lord and the other lives for the WOrld!

Everyday, I am going to blog about this situation and its progress....I CAN ONLY HOPE for the best but I am going to prepare myself and put walls up and expect the worst! I am trusting God with it!

We had a convo the other day and I spilled out everything to him, including the fact that i think Hes the one and i don't want to be with anyone else... and tried to talk him into taking baby steps and trying to work on things, which was stupid as everything because I KNOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO DATE.....but once again...he tells me he doesn't know who the "right girl" is and that he's trying to figure out what's best for him! He also tells me that WHEN AND IF we get back together is HIS DECISION! AND THAT FOR NOW, we should just be friends and see where that goes........ Which KILLLLLLLLLs my heart....to sit and tell someone how much you love them and they are the only one, and all they have to say back is i think we should just be friends?????? :( not a good feeling.... He and i have had this conversation before and he always just wants to be friends, but i always told myself....and i've told him....."dude, i can't be just friends with someone i love like that... It would be too hard not to kiss him...or what if he starts dating someone.....JESSICA YOU WOULD FLIP AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!" I know how things are gonna be.....but this time....is different! At this point, where we are....this is my only hope to trying to make him see what he has with me! And they always say, "when you love someone let them go!" So i am actually going to TRY to be just a friend for him and let go of the idea of being a girlfriend to him. WHEN or even IF this guy is supposed to be a part of my life romantically, is up to God.

sorry its been a while :)

I know its been forever since i blogged last but my computer is not as close to me back home in birmingham like it is when im in tuscaloosa for school. LOL Sooooo, i guess im going to update you a little bit... briefly... shortly...and sweetly :o)

I came home to my moms house for the summer to work with kids at the YMCA... i never did my pageant... because... well.... im just lazy and what not! haha for some reason things just weren't falling into place like i expected them too.. mainly..... the money part of it! and the paper work was just too much and too confusing to deal with! BUTTTT i hope to still get my platform out there to work with children promoting character based on the bible! So if anyone knows of anywhere as a good place to get that started or if anyone wants to help out in any way... THAT WOULD BE SOOOOOO AWESOME! :)
My last day at the ymca for the summer will be august 6 and then I'm going back to tuscaloosa to work and then heading out to texas for some American Idol try outs with my girl Jana! Its just for fun for me and to support her, and plus after the long summer.... im ready for a road trip and some fun! and to get away from boy drama... still the same boy btw! it never fails.... the closer i get to moving on.... what does he do??? throws that line on out there just a little bit! but i can honestly say this.... it doesn't bother me like it did... but i think its because number one i'm on commitment right now so i cant date anyways haha number 2.... itll work out in Gods time if its supposed to... and number 3....i expect him to be a jerk now but we dont really talk. But i'm torn with the whole acting like a christian and being kind and forgiving towards him. I mean in the bible it says if your enemy slaps you.... turn the other cheek and let them slap the other side! WELL MY FACE HURTS FROM LETTING HIM SLAP ME SO MUCH! so do i keep on forgiving him and giving him chances or what!????? I dunno... you tell me!

Other than all that.... im really hoping to get a new car! I have been demo driving a brand new crimson/black nissan maxima! My honda is just not makin it like it used to! I mean jeez, its got 170,000 miles on it and been through everythinggggg! I just need a reliable car now... and im not going to waste my money on just anything... if im gonna spend my money, its going to be on something that I'm in love with! andddd IM IN LOVE WITH THAT CAR! but ill have to work my butt off to make the payments for it! like 4 jobs or something! haha but i think it might end up working out if the lord decides to bless me.... the Manager of the Nissan store is a guy from my church! I'm really hoping he will knock the price down a little bit and help with the payments some by cutting them in HALF of what they are right now! Im realllyyyyy praying that this is from God! If it doesnt come through... well.... then I pray someone rear ends me and THEY can buy me a knew car hehehehe

I also... have been thinkin alot lately about what I want in the next relationship i do end up in... How I want to be treated and how and what I think I should be for my boyfriend/ future husband! I know that The lord is not the author of confusion... and that my ex boyfriend who I STAY CONFUSED ABOUT clearly will never change.. and if he does... we all know its no time soon. But whoever I am with.... I want to be his best friend, and he to be my best friend... his rock and back bone....his only true love, the one he calls first with good news or bad news.... the one who makes him laugh no matter how mad he is at me or anyone else, the one he gets advice about anything important from, the one who knows EVERY SMALL DETAIL AND SECRET about him, stuff that his mother or even his best guy friend doesnt know, the girl that he cant live without, the girl he would fight for if anything or anyone ever tried to come between us! The girl he isn't afraid to tell his friends that i've got him wrapped around my pinky...but it will be ok because I will be wrapped around his too! The one he ALWAYS says I love you too.... and the one girl where not a day goes by without him giving me a compliment... such as "your beautiful" and i would tell him..."baby, you are so sexy" I wanna be the girl he disses his friends for.... the girl he goes to church with....... i wanna be everything to someone..... and I wanna be there and take care of someone and be the best wife/gf i can possibly be to someone! All of the stuff I want to be for him.... i want him to be for me too!

alright well thats it haha good to get that out! WHew!

CONFIRMATION FROM THE LORD

Alot of you may not know, but I used to compete in Miss Alabama Preliminaries (if you win you go to Miss alabama). I absolutely loved competing and showing my talent and love of dance to other people. I never actually placed in any of the pageants... got top 10 a couple of times though...the last pageant I competed in...I won talent. After about 18 pageants and I didn't place, I got a little burnt out and thought to myself..."this is obviously not what the Lord has in store for me right now.".. what is the point of pushing myself and watching what I eat if I'm not going anywhere in this aspect of my life? It was definately a dream of mine to place in the top 5 and to even win and go on to Miss Alabama, but the actual percent of that happening was pretty much slim to none in my mind.

Well about a week ago, actually not even a week ago.... like Monday night, I was watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about how we have certain dreams in our hearts because God puts them there... and if the desires to pursue that dream are still there... then GOD STILL WANTS YOU TO PURSUE THE DREAM! And God is always saying..."You still should!"

-This is relevant because the Miss Alabama Pageant started on wednesday!

The entire time I am watching the pageant for the last 3 nights... all I can think about is how much I miss it and how I want to get back into competing so badddd!!! Then after I think about it, I try and talk myself out of it....Telling myself....where are you gonna get the money? What are you going to wear??? you can't lose that much weight before july 31st!!!! What are you gonna do for talent?!?? what about pictures and headshots???? whats your platform going to be??? YOU CAN"T DO THIS BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

SO........ thursday night at the pageant...I ran into an old friends mom... i danced with her all growing up and then did pageants with her forever too! Her mom is best friends with the miss leeds pageant director! They both (the director and my friends mom) are telling me that I better be in the Miss leeds pageant on july 31st! I tell them.... "Do you see how much weight I've gained???? and I can't pay for that.... my mom is not going to help me at all!" They both keep telling me.... you can do it!!!!! Start now... get your papers together and call me and Ill see what I can do to help. So at this point... I'm set... KINDA! I still am thinking.... THERES NO WAY I CAN GET ALL OF THIS TOGETHER IN A MONTH AND A HALF!!! much less.... I gotta lose about 40 pounds... BECAUSE I REFUSEEEEEEEEEEE to look like a heffer on stage! HA

OK .... SO LISTEN... cause this is where it gets crazy :) a friend tagged me in a picture, this little girl comments on it and says "omg jessica was my big sister in miss leeds area 2005!" NOW....I don't know what anyone else thinks that means.... BUT TO ME.... that was God answering my question, "should i do miss Leeds?" I did it way back in the day and I here I am wondering and thinking about whether I should actually go through with it..... and there it is... as plain as day!!! DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE IT?

I thought it was CRAZZYYYYY that God really can be so blunt sometimes and it AMAZED me as soon as I saw that The little girl commented on the picture! I mean out of all things... the little rising star who I mentored at the Miss LEeds Pageant FIVE YEARS AGO (to be honest kinda forgot about her) is right here showing up at this time!??????? WHEWWW Its defiantely a God thing! :)

*THe one question I've been asking myself and God straight up gave me an answer.

At this point.... All I can do is prepare myself for the pageant, because the dream is still in my heart... and God is gonna get the rest... Nope.... I don't have any money to do it.... and Nope I can't fit into a dress or swim suit right now... and nope I dont have a talent right now... and NOPE I dont have any pictures.... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT..... THE LORD WILL PROVIDE!

NO ONE said it would be easy

SO, lately...I've really been struggling with some stuff.... For some reason, I just haven't been ME lately... I feel like something is missing! I don't know what... but I know its something! I kinda feel like I haven't been my happy, UPITY, silly, goofy self lately! I feel kinda like I'm losing God and his spirit that was inside me!
Sarah told me it was all lies from the enemy... and I guess that kinda makes sense with everything I've been trying to do recently. Trying to get on with my life without a man in it, trying to stay focused and fix my eyes on ONLY THE LORD, trying to stay strong in this ministry for these kids, trying to lose weight and get on the right track with myself, the feelings of rejection.....MAN ITS ALL JUST BE CREEPIN UP ON ME! AND I HATE IT!
But this morning in church... pastor was talkin about Jesus promised US that we would face troubles and adversity but HE ALSO PROMISED to hold our hand and be there with us and to bring us through it. It's so hard to remind myself of this sometimes. Because I JUST BEAT MYSELF UP some days. I put myself down so much.....and then that night I sit there and ask... HOLY SPIRIT... WHERE ARE YOU????? THIS IS NOT THE FRUIT OF YOUR SPIRIT!!! And it makes me wonder, what the heck is going on? I haven't done anything differently!??? Yes, I have been struggling with things lately, but I have still been praying and turning to the Lord for answers... So why is it, that some days are better than others! Some days... I feel so depressed and down... and I miss the WORLDLY THINGS AND PEOPLE so much and some days, I know exactly what I am doing!
Tonight, I was watching that Tyler Perry Movie "why did I get married?" and I kept thinking..MAN I LOVE HIS MOVIES... they are always based upon faith and christianity! I LOVE THAT! But I started to look at the couples in this movie and one man had been havin an affair with a woman who was gorgeous, BUT SHE DIDNT HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER! And the woman he was married too, did everything for him.....Yet, she wasn't good enough for him. Then later on in the movie.... He starts to realize what he did... that he had this woman who was 80 %....EIGHTY PERCENT... of what he wanted in a woman... but this other little woman comes in who is perfect by the looks of it but she is ONLY 20 %..The girl didnt do NOTHING FOR HIM but spend his money and LOOK GOOD.......the woman he was married to started to doubt God for a minute... BUT THEN, just as she started to doubt him..... THERE WAS THIS GORGEOUS MAN who wanted to marry her.... A GORGEOUS, CHRISTIAN, LOVING, AND RESPECTFUL MAN!
And when you think about it... thats exactly how The lord works.... Just when you start thinkin he aint there no more.... HE POPS UP and gives you something better than what you had before.
So i guess my thing is this..... When is He gonna pop up and give me what I deserve?

I am just ready to fully happy again! I changed my life completely in february and The enemy has come at me HARD but I have done better than I ever thought I'd be able to... And its been hard to maintain my level with Jesus. The enemy brought something back into my life that he knew would tear me down and make me question myself. I have started wondering... what did I do wrong?? why am i not good enough!?? Why can I not be stronger?? people tell me all the time How beautiful I am.... WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE IT!?????? People have treated me like crap in the past and I am still holding on to all of those OLD THINGS... and now I am questioning myself even though I KNOW IN MY HEART WHO I AM IN GOD... BUT MY MIND KEEPS TELLIN ME I'M NOT THAT WOMAN!
I just hate sometimes how hard it is... I want to be that woman that other people come TO ME for advice... not me always bein the one askin for advice! And I feel like I am so full of knowledge and wisdom to help other people... I just need to believe it! I can give GREAT ADVICE for the girls who do talk to me... why can't I practice what I preach though? I want people to look at me and be like.. MAN, she is so bold in christ! But, I feel like something is holding me back.. and I pray all the time about it and I still feel like I am not going anywhere!???? Needless to say, Scripture says to never stop praying...I just am ready for an answer Lord... THats ALL!

:) NicE DaY to CatCh some RayS

Today was such a peaceful day! I had the day off and it was the first day I didn't have to be up at work early.... I should probably get used to that though considering I'm about to be working at a summer camp and gotta BE THERE at 6 am..... I AM SOOOO NOT A MORNING PERSON! lol My new best friend has recently become a 3foot tall can of monster energy drink! THe Blue Kind lol :0) Its pretty delicious if I must say so.. HeEHeE
Anyways... I got to sleep til 12:30 and it was actually really hard to stay asleep that long... my internal clock always wakes me uP! or my dog does! lol
I went and layed out at the pool with my good pal blake who I am making take me to the lake this weekend... he doesn't know it yet though! HAAHAHA
Today has just been very relaxing!
I also decided, because I think its what is best for me at the moment... and I also believe it was what God has called for me to do in this season....Its time for committment! To the Lord! Which means..... NO BOYS! :)
FINALLY, I am not going to think about, worry about, or want a relationship until its the right time and until I know exactly where I stand and who I am as a woman of God. I know that I need to know all about myself before I can start to get to know another person. God wants me to know him and he wants to know me! That is a relationship I am willing to give up boys for!
For the next 7 months of my life.... there will be no dating! and as hard as it may be.... I am not going to wish for a relationship even though it IS the desires of my heart. My biggest dream and desire is to be married with atleast 3 or 4 kids... and to live on a farm with my sexy, outdoorsy, huntin, fishin, ridin 4 wheelers husband! BUTTTTT the lord has said if I give him all of my attention for now, THEN....he will give me what I want! I can't wait for that day when I meet my husband...but I KNOW that I won't meet him as long as I stay focused on what I WANT and not what THE LORD WANTS!
I'm very at peace about it..... I know the Lords got my back in all sitautions... and I don't give him enough credit! So, Thank you lord..... for ALL of the wonderful things you have done for me!

Hope everyone had a great day as well! :o)
LOVE yALL!

To the jerk who I thought was an ANGEL

To: The love of my life who turned into the jerk of my life.

Dear DKW,
Once upon a time, I was absolutely certain with everything I had in my body,mind, and soul that you were an angel sent from God and you were the man of my dreams and all of my heartache was over. You were the one and I was never going to hurt again. I thought you were the ONE GUY who was going to prove that not all guys are the same. I was wrong.

How do you make someone feel so small?? Especially someone who loved you so much!????? I don't get how a person can be NUMB like you are. I gave you everything I had... All of me... at all times... I never gave up on you even though you gave up on me. 110% ALWAYS is what you got from me. I fight for what I want... I wanted you! I knew what we had when we were together and I was holding on to all of you just because of the times I spent with you and how special the time was to me.

(BTW.... I don't know if you know this.... I prayed for you.... almost every night since I've known you!!! I FASTED FOR YOU! Even though you didn't deserve that from me... but everyone deserves to know the Lord and to be loved by the Lord... and I didn't do any of it because I wanted to be with you.... I did it because I know there is so much pain HIDDEN in your heart. There has to be... with the way you act... I know your hurting! I knew that If you would just let Jesus transform you... maybe.... JUST MAYBE.... you wouldn't always take everything out on me!)

Don't ask me why I wanted to hold on... because why the heck would anyone want to hold on to you? You never treated me like I should have been treated. MAYBE...in the beginning...but even then you were always making me feel like I was wrong....YOU would beg to differ on that topic because you are selfish and in YOUR eyes... YOU DO NOTHING WRONG!

I always knew what was going to happen! You would come over... and touch me and kiss me like you do... and make me laugh like you do... and make my smile like you do... and I would melt right back to where I was that last time. You always would tell me... I don;t know what I want... AND all I wanted...was to have ONE just ONE adult conversation about us... and what was the deal with us....but you couldn;t and you wouldn't....so I had to ask everytime...and it was alwys the same answer.... IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS....and at some point I got to the point were I should have just knew what you were going to say...but I always HOPED that one day...you would just realize how much I loved you and what you had with me!
You NEVER stopped giving me butterflies... and you knew how much I loved you because you would ask me.. why are you looking at me like that!? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOK MEANS! I know that any guy would be lucky to have me... I know I made you feel like a king. I would have done anything for you. AND I DID DO ANYTHING for you. I can't say that you do the same for me. I know that one day...when no other girl takes care of you like I did.... and they walk all over you like you walked all over me... and when your sick and she cant take care of you cause she is with her friends...and she would rather be with her friends than be with you...and she doesn't answer your phone calls...and she hangs up on you when all you want to do is talk and explain things because you care that much about her that you just want her to understand... and when you look at her and you know THAT SHE KNOWS how much you love her just by that one look but she makes you feel like the dumbest person alive for lovin her that much because you know she dont love you that much......and when you put 110% into her and only get about 45% back from her.... THEN.... THAT IS WHEN YOU WILL THINK OF ME!
You will sit and think.... I had someone who really truly cared about me and loved me unconditionally.... that girl cared about my best interest... she cared about what I cared about... she woulda loved me even if I got in a car wreck and I ended up bein a vegetable for the rest of my life... she woulda loved me so much that she woulda wiped my butthole if I was paralyzed forever...she just wanted to be my rock!!!! she just wanted my time.... she just wanted to show me how much she loved me....... AND I SCREWED UP!!!!! I wouldn't let her love me....and maybe I didn't let myself love her! I have sat back and let the one person who cared about me walk away forever. I put her off to the side, while I looked around to see if there was someone better.... I was looking for beautiful girls not girls with beautiful hearts. I let a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart get away. But now, I'm too stubborn and I will never let her know what I really think of her!
THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE SAYING LATER DOWN THE ROAD. When you realize that beauty isn't everything and when you realize you can't get time back! I know that I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.... but I am pretty and I have a HUGE HEART!

• CHARM IS DECEPTIVE AND BEAUTY IS FLEEING.... BUT A WOMAN WHO LOVES THE LORD WILL BE PRAISED! PROVERBS 31:30

IF you don't care about someone as much as they care about you.... WHY would you drag them along? Why wouldn't you just say... look... I;m really sorry, and I don't want to hurt your feelings... but I want to be honest with you... I just don't have the feelings for you that you have for me. BUT NO, you kept me draggin along.... and then every time I would get to the point that I was FINE without you.... here you come back into my life... i'm guessin it was only to make sure I was still there... and again.. thats a topic I'm sure you would beg to differ on! BEcause You are perfect and everything that happens is my fault. I know that everytime I get mad or my feelings get hurt...its for a PERFECT reason and somehow... you turn and flip it and make me feel like the biggest idiot in the world for being mad.

You are short with me...when I call... you are a jerk..... well the last time I called you were a jerk.... The way you talked...you made it seem like you could care less if you ever talk to me again....... So, at this point... the more you are mean to me like that.... the easier it gets for me to turn and walk away..... last night.... was literally the end of it for me..... 6 months from now.... when I still have not answered a phone call or text that you have sent...and you are wondering what you did????? Please put yourself in my position and try to think how I think ( i know thats a challenge for you because you are so cold) and think of how it would feel.... if.... I answered the phone and the first thing I say... is why are you calling me???? There is nothing to talk about and I don't have anytthing to say... but I appreciate you thinking about me!!!???!!

When your wondering a few months from now... what you did and why I wont talk to you.... think back to the night I called you 5 times in a row... and every time you hung up on me..... and told me you had nothing to say to me!

OK well.... there are a lot more things that are just too mean to spit out on the internet... I'm a christian so I'm not gonna dog you like that! Because I did care about you at one point... and because I have class and respect. You on the other hand.... can continue talkin about me tellin people I'm crazy and this and that because I am over it and this was my last spill on you and about you and too you!

A new day

Sometimes, I REALLY WISH CERTAIN PEOPLE WOULD READ THIS BLOG. :0)
But, unfortunately... My words are usually read only by a select few people if I am lucky. I hope that my words can touch and help yall, because I know that some of the stuff I read on your blog...helps me!
Today, I woke up... with a newly found peace! I knew that God was going to take care of me and my situation. It is so hard to trust...that I don't have to be in control of my life or everything in my life. It's defiantely hard to let someone else be in control. But the thing is.... I DO HAVE TO TRUST that someone else is going to control my life better than I can control it myself.
So far, I haven't been let down. Yes, I've had to let go and get rid of things I didn't really want to let go of, and yes I've had to give up alot. BUT it has all been worth it. God has led me to great places and to great people. There are still things from the past that linger that have been the hardest to let go of.... but I finally have.... AND IT FEELS AMAZING! Not to worry if i'm loved or not by a certain person or if they think about me or miss me or want to be with me! It wasn't easy because that person is what I wanted and dude..I'd be lying if I said I didn't still want it, because I do..but thats not the point. The point is...that I want him...but I'll be ok if God ends up not changing the person I want and sending me someone better. Because that's how God rolls. He either doesn't want that for you and has something better or its not the right time and you gotta be patient. I'm so at peace with this now... its hard to let go...but once you finally do, you will be sittin there like...why didn't I do this earlier! Because you are not sitting there thinking about things all day...yeah i think about it... but not as much! I gave it to God to handle so what is the point of sitting there thinking about it all day and wondering what is going to happen. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THINGS..... only GOD CAN.

God is going to do HIS WILL, whether you like it or not...so don't try to change it because you can't. Just agree with Him and let him do his job. He knows what He is doing. Someone told me the other day "Sometimes OUR yes's are alot louder than GOD's no's! Which means we are pretty much fighting God and telling him what we want instead of telling him to give us what He wants! It was hard to grasp but I knew God kept telling me, "jessica, you just gotta let go!" I just didn't want to hear it because it's not what I wanted to do. I was scared that as soon as I let go, that would be it......the end of my boy and i..... I didn't want that... I couldn't even begin to think about a life without him in it....
When God tells you to let go...He's not telling you to stop talkin and being friends but he's sayin stop expecting things to go YOUR WAY and let them happen MY WAY!

Fall in love with God. Make your next boyfriend go through God to get to you. For instance, my situation...I AM NOT GOING TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON THE SAME LEVEL I'M ON, and I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't love jesus. We all know what we want...its just that we settle for what we can get. Don't settle! You don't have too! You deserve the best because YOU ARE ROYALTY! You are a precious child of God and that is what makes you so special! I will NOT COMPROMISE on certain things that I want out of a man. I am not willing to sacrafice certain things to be with a man. I am not going to let anyone bring me down to the point that I don't know who I am without them. Its just not a fun feeling and it hurts!

God gave me this verse about my guy and I realized after reading it that I can't put myself in a position with him because he ain't on my level. This verse describes my situation and my dude to a tea!

James 3:13-18
If you are wise and understand Gods ways, live a life of steady goodnes so that only good deeds will pour forth. And if you don't brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your hearts, don't brag about being wise. That is the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not Gods kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the devil. For wherever there is jealousy, there is selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure.It is also peace, loving, gentle at times, and willing to yeild to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.

I am not sure what everyone is going through...but no ones life is completely perfect without any flaws to it. Whatever it is.... I challenge you to give it to God, and see how your life changes!

I love YAll!!! :o)

God, I need your wisdom for this

The Lord knows the desires of my heart.... He knows the list I have made of the perfect man.... which is so funny to me because the guy I want so much is defiantely not perfect or close to the man i made up on a piece of paper. I desperately need your wisdom Lord. I do great in my relationship with the lord until my past pops back into my life. Which is why I need some guidance.
Every time he waltz back into my life, Its always on his time. He is the one who always makes the INCONSISTENT appearances. I know that this is not what God wants for me. My friends and family have told me to move on but its hard because I just want to have hope that he will end up growing up and maturing and realizing that when there is someone who loves you so much with unconditional love...and you love that person back, but you can't seem to settle down or figure out what is holding you back from being with a girl you see yourself being married too...... MAYBE JUST MAYBE....those feelings are there for a reason and we are back in each others lives for a reason.... and a guy will try and try and try to find every explanation to push that idea out of the window. I've heard guys say this before too. They have that girl who is the perfect one and you know how great she is, but they assume they have time to mess around because THE PERFECT GIRL will always wait around. WHich is not true... yeah, we wait for a while... but it definately gets old and eventually we do move on... FOR GOOD! I think that if you know how much someone loves you, why would you feel the need to wait if you know you love them back.... you either love someone and you want to be with them... or you dont! END OF STORY! Guys say that we girls are the ones who make things so complicated.... we might, but they do the junk that makes us make it complicated. Then act like they don't know what we are talking about when we tell them what they did wrong.

We ended up fighting about everything...about the fact that you can't tell a girl shes everything you want in a wife and NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I told him he cant really expect me to not think that what he said is a way to try to work things out and start hanging out more. THen he said we're not dating...im single... i dont have to talk to you or see you everyday! He actually said some very hateful things to me... which started to make me see him a little differently... but still its like the rejection just makes me want to fight more to make sure I flip the tables. It works... i do start threatening to be done for good and then he grabs and is like your gonna be done OVER THIS!???? hahahahahhaha wow......

I just know that if we were on the same page.... OMG....i'd marry him tomorrow.... but we arent! I had to tell him that.... yeah... i wanna be with him and all....but not right now... if things ended up being different and he started loving jesus more.... itd be on!
I told him that too.... and he said well why dont you just let God deal with all of this stuff! UMMMM EXCUSE ME...... i have been.... i was doing great until you showed back up! Things happen for a reason... i don;'t know what that reason is.... which is why I need for you to show me God..... you know what I want in a man...and you know the man I want.... so please show me the way or the way out if I need to go a different way!

yup....it was an uh oh

It was only an uh oh.... because I really thought I was over him... and im not! HE KNOWS IM NOT which is even worse.... because he used that to mess with my head some more! He did come over... he spent the night.... but it was probably the best time ive ever had with him because we just talked most of the time... we ended up kissing.. alot! Which I thought I would be able to say no to him but I do still love him so much..i just wish things were different! We laughed alot and everything was great! He told me he could picture us being married and blah blah blah.... and that I am everything he wants in a woman and he still has feelings for me but he just didnt know... and im like what the heck??????? it kinda ruined my mood and made me start wondering obviously hes pullin this stuff out of his butt because how is someone everything you want but you dont want it????????? is it because hes not done playin...he wants to see what else is out there!?? and then all day monday and today... IM APISSED at myself for letting things go that far.... no we didnt do anything else like we did before... so im proud of myself for that...but I let him once again get into my head KNOWING that things arent going to be different! now...i have to start back at square one with getting on with my life without him..........it sucks because its like... i want so bad for it to be the story where I changed my life for the lord... and then He changed his life and we just knew it was meant to be....

Its so hard because... i can't understand why after so long and after everything that has happened between us and with me alone, that I still have feelings for this person. The minute I met him, i just knew something was different... I never felt that way about guy... and i still feel that way... He still gives me butterflies! BUT WHY????????????? how is this possible!?? I ask God all the time... whats the purpose of this guy coming in and out of my life.... he either needs to stay or go completely!!!!! I have this question too>>> why after all this time we both still give into each other??? what does that mean?? does it mean, yeah we're for each other... but its god saying its not the right time???? I ponder that question alot!!!

and all of these people who know the story from the beginning sayy He doesnt care about you.... hes playin games to see if he still has you..... and blahh blah blah! Its hard not to believe that.. because i havent heard from him since he left!

I just cant do it to myself anymore........ it hurts... and i hate the way i feel when he leaves!

The wondering if I'm going to hear from him or if things are gonna be different KILLS ME!

ohhhh...i may have made an UH OH

Today is mothers day!!! This weekend has been a complete eye opener for me. I have always been thankful for my mother and to have her.....but it reminded me of all the people I know who don't have a mother around anymore. INCLUDING.... my ex...... as a christian woman and as a friend, I felt like I needed to let him know I was praying for him today. I can only imagine how hard it might be for someone to watch all of their friends go home to be with their own mother on this day. This idea probably wasn't my best ever but I hadn't really talked to him since the last time which was in march and I was and am kinda ready to just move on and get past the weirdness and be friends... no matter how much he might not appreciate me as a person or friend or even as someone who cared about him for so long....I am still required to love my neighbor as myself by the Lord. I still love the boy and care what happens to him anyway. And God is gonna do what He wants.... and i'm at the point in my life where I up ready for whatever God wants to give me. I believe He has given me the strength I need to be friends with that guy and to be a godly example for him as well. Whatever Gods will is...I'm gonna follow it. I'm fine without him in my life.... but it would be nice to still have him as a friend and if God permits it to be more than that ever again...will be up to him.
ANyHOW..... all i did was text him and I said "hey bud...just wanted you to know im prayin for you today!" and that was it... see just a harmless friendly text right!??? little did I know he would call me after that! but he did..... i don't know why... but all he did was make me realize he's not the kinda guy I want or deserve.... He's still young and irresponsible and immature and in his party stage. Just observations I got from the conversation we had. It also made me realize... he wouldn't take me as a new godly woman... serious. I haven't really talked to him since I've been baptized in the spirit. But at the end of the conversation, he said something about stopping by my apt before it gets too late. HAHA I CAN"T BELIEVE I AGREED.... but at the same time...I know I am strong enough now to say no if he tried anything.. and if I know him still..... HE WILL.... I just got off the phone with him an hour ago... so we will see if he even actually shows up. I don't want to talk about anything from the past with him... because I want him to see how much I really have changed. I also know that for so long I've wanted to be the one to turn him down and say no to him.... which probably won;t happen because he probably won't ever call to come over. I honestly am mad at myself for even answering the phone when he called... because its like my hopes kinda get started back up again.......all i wanted to do was text him and i thought i'd just get a text back sayin thanks...... i tried to get off the phone with him like 5 times and he kept bein all like... why are you tryin to get off the phone?? ha wow......... I may have made a big fat mistake by textin him in the first place.

Frontin and Fakin

I woke up this a.m in a pretty descent mood. I usually am pretty happy and a go with the flow person. It was absolutely beautiful outside so i decided to head to the pool. On my way out... I ran into a friend of mine, who I must say... needs the Lord in a bad way!!!!! She has been hinting to me that she wants to change and texts me all the time telling me she wants to talk about things. I am ALWAYS up to talk to people about the Love the LoRD has to give. ANywaYS.... so i sat down with her and she starts telling me she wants to buy my car. If none of you don't know this.... My car is wrecked... one night I went out... WHEN I KNEW I SHOULDNT HAVE and i had a bad feeling God was gonna get me for it too.... but This drunk idiot got stuck in a ditch and ended up RAMMING his truck into my car to get it unstuck and then DROVE OFF!
SO yeah... she wants to buy my car and just have it fixed.... and of course i've been wantin and needin a new car in the worse way! If i could just get the down payment on a new car I would take it and go get me a new car in a HOT MINUTE! hehe well we started talkin about the Lord... she started tellin me that she thought that everything that could go wrong in her life... was! And she started sayin that she started to blame God for takin certain friends and people out of her life.
All i could think about saying was this..... Why don't you give God the attention and love he deserves. I heard someone say this one time.... AND I BELIEVE IT..... God is going to make you miserable until you commit to him. You are going to be in pain and problems are gonna come more while you live your life without Jesus Christ. She told me she was ready... but she wasnt ready to give up the partying.... But she said at the same time.... she hates doing the things that she does... that it's not fun for her anymore! She began telling me how scared she was to commit to the Lord because of what OTHER PEOPLE would think of her. Not only her friends from the past but also christian people.... I said "NOOOOOO" no one is going to judge you. SHe said that there were things she didnt understand, that she didn't know that bible back and forth, and that she had so many questions about faith. She said she was so scared that people would question her for NOT KNOWING about God and not knowing the bible.

And you know..... that really upset me.

I TRY MY BESTTTTTT to make sure that people know I am a TRUE CHRISTIAN... that I am as much like Jesus as I can be. The apostle Paul stated that we should imitate him just as he imitated Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1). Which means this... God most often calls people who don't view themselves as high and mighty but who instead see problems in themselves. They are more humble and teachable because they can more readily recognize and acknowledge their human weaknesses. They are people who have made mistakes and know it. People who call themselves christians and who are in relationships with God should try to be humble...open to anyone with questions and who wants the help to know God better, be more approachable. If you are not easy to approach and to ask a question... you could be turning someone away from the Lord because You could be the only way they ever get to know the Lord. It just makes me mad that some christians put off that image that other people can't come and talk to them. We ALL need to be more considerate and thoughtful and understanding to the people who want God but don't really know how to get him. IT HONESTLY ERKS ME some of us call ourselves christians but we seem to make ourselves NOT AVAILABLE for the people who arent christians and who have questions. We even do this to other christians. Sometimes I feel the same way around people WHO ARE CHRISTIANS... its almost like there is that feeling... that they think they are higher and holier than me and so its as if they are too good! That actually pisses me off when people act like that! WE ARE ALL EQUAL IN GODS EYES....if you truly know who you are in God, you wouldnt act like that.... One who walks closely with God is free from competitiveness, aggressiveness, and the need to prove your worth. CHILDREN OF GOD have an inner contentment about themselves. ACCOMPLISHMENTS, STATUS, AUTHORITY, POWER, AND OTHER PEOPLES OPINIONS SHOULD NOT MATTER. But yet, people walk around calling themselves christian but act like they are better because they have a spot on leadership or because they have been in a relationship with the lord longer or they think their testimony is more important than others! NO MAM...... WE ALL HAVE A VOICE and we all are in the eye of the public because of who we say we are.

THE fact that this girl was scared to ask another child of God ABOUT GOD... makes us look like we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. It is just sad that some people have made christians look fake. And yes, there are some people out there who claim to be christian but are not living the life of a christian. THAT WORD "christian" is used so lightly that its annoying. There are some people in the ministry just doing ministry because it looks good and they like how people look at them! It seems like some people just do it for a show..... That is not what the lord wants you to do with his name Yall!!! I try not to get mad and let those thoughts cross my mind beause I really only need to worry about my relationship with the Lord and MY ACTIONS....... He knows your thoughts and the reason behind your teachings... he knows your heart and if your doing it for the wrong reasons then He will deal with you on his own.
(MATTHEW 9:4) Jesus knew what they were thinking, so He asked them "why are you thinking such evil thoughts?"
Well, I tried to make her understand that she could talk and ask as many questions as she needed. And that she should never ever feel scared or that she is going to looked down upon for not knowing anything about the lord.

ANYWAYS, after i talked to her I was driving my car, which is a 99 honda accord in which ive had WAY TOO MANY PROBLEMS with, as I parked and was opening the door to my car.... the HANDLE on the indside just broke off into my hand.... I WAS MAD.... because it just seems like one thing after another with that stupid car.... the transmissions been replaced a million times, my car has broke down on me a million times..... i just Am tired of this car.... the only person who seems to understand that this car AINT WORTH NOTHIN is my great grandmother. I don't mean to complain but I gotta vent!! I am having to open up a flippin credit card just to pay for that stupid drunk guy RAMMIN my car and then leavin which is gonna cost 1000 bucks and yet he gets to walk free for doin that..... UGHHH NOT FAIR!
ok so thats my day and my rant..... :) im good now.... just need a new car... thats all! ha

WHy do some people take the easy way out?

I have known so many people who just take the easy way out... OF EVERYTHING. Has anyone ever noticed that the easy way out.... is so painful. It causes more heartache, more insecurities, more problems, more drama, more everything that is bad. When you take the easy way out.. i don't know about yall... but when i tried the easy way out..... I felt so empty inside. I never felt satisfied with anything I tried.... No guy ever made me feel better. What I did with them and THEM in general just made me feel worse. I hated the bars because being around a bunch of drunk people was obnoxious. WHEN I drank and got drunk... i felt stupid. All it did for me was give me a huge headache the next day.
The most of what I can see, this generation has chosen to take the easy way out. Relationships today... mean nothing to some people. Respect means nothing to some people... and its all because people have chosen to take the easy way out. MAn.... it makes me so mad to think there are some really great people out there who are genuine and legit, but the minute things start getting hard in life.... its over and dunzo and they quit for the easy road. How many people know that the grass aint always greener on the other side?????
All I know is that I was absolutely miserable with everything I tried. Everything I tried that didn't cost me my life or didnt cost me my social life I was doing. I tried everything that I thought would make me happy and yeah, for a little while it makes you happy... but it never ever fulfilled me. Which is why I can't understand why some people are still taking this kinda road. Guys and girls all over the place are looking the wrong places for happiness.
I just don't get what people have to lose by trying Jesus. I wish some people would stop being so flippin selfish and prideful and let go and let God. Its definately not easy.... BUT ITS SO WORTH IT. My life has changed completely and for the better. I have never been so happy. Its not about being perfect, its about being happy instead of being miserable and trying to always please everyone else. I would be lying to you if I told you it was easy. There are people who criticize and hate and dont understand. But the people who love the lord have a happiness about them that you can just see from a distance. EXAMPLE..... I went into a gas station this weekend... :) and this guy behind the counter said to me... SO many beautiful women come in here... but you are the only beautiful woman to come in here with a huge smile. Then he said "why do you smile so much?" All I could think of was... because I love jesus christ and He makes my life! HAHA He didn't know what to say after that. LOL I don't know why some people get so shocked to hear that people live for the Lord.
All I'm wondering is why????? WHY are people so quick to say no to the Lord??????

THE TRUTH IS...... some people don't know how miserable they are because they have lived the same life for so long that they are numb! THEY ARE NUMB WITH THEIR FEELINGS, THEY ARE NUMB TO JESUS CHRIST.....
I once heard someone describe their change like this... "We are like onions.... the more God peels back our layers.... the more we cry!"
Its true!!!! There are some people who don't even know how hurt they are on the inside because they have HID their feelings and their past for so long. They are just numb. The Lord started peeling my layers back and started to realize there were feelings coming out that I never knew I had, that I never wanted to experience. Then I was faced with things that I never wanted to face.
SOOOOOO please tell me why you wanna leave with these burdens for so long!??????? and WHYYYYYY in the world do you wanna do it on your own!?????
THe Lord truly makes your life miserable until you get on board with Him. You may not know how miserable you are because you are numb, but other people can see it in you.... I promise.

Our God is so amazing... that once you confess your faults and your sins... yall... He FORGETS FOREVER! He wants your love so bad because He wants to for us to have a life full of happiness and joy! He wants us to be loved like we have never been loved by any human. His love truly is so deep... it blows my mind sometimes STILL... that someone loves me so much and wants nothing but happiness for me. All it takes is a relationship... thats all he wants!
There are some people out there who hurt so bad and they try everything but Jesus. I ask you to just give this man a chance. HE IS THE ONE MAN YOU CAN COUNT ON AND WHO KEEPS A PROMISE.... and HE PROMISES NEVER TO LEAVE YOU!

Paying the price to look Good!

This blog goes out to all of the women who have to be on their feet all day in HIGH HEELS. :o) I just want to tell you all.... I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT! i recently got highered at a retail store where we have to look cute but chic, sexy but conservative, and HOT but classy. The clothes we are required to wear.... it is a must to wear heels. We are not necassarily required too, but there is no way around it with the outfits we have to put together. On top of that, the shoe cannot have anything going in between the toe. That rules out ALMOST ALL cute sandles. UGHHH

Well, since I have had this job... and I am not complaining (well kinda haha) because I love my job and I love fashion and I AM MAKING SOME MONEYYYYY.... but I have about 42 new blisters on both feet..... I grew up as a dancer so I had some scars anyway... but this is just too much. I can't take it... because my feet were ABOUT the ONLY thing I just LOVED about myself. I don't want to end up like one of those old ladies who have all of those nasty corns!!!! EWWWWWWW :P

If anyone has any advice on how to be able to stand 5 hours on your feet in heels and NOT GET blisters every time you work... that would be greatly appreciated! :)

PS....i am kinda starting to get used to the pain in the balls of my feet so they don't really hurt AS MUCH... but i need to fix the blister problem!

LISTEN...and be amazed!

So I will start with last night and then lead up to today...
Last night, I was feeling a little down and plus on top of that I felt like crap and so I thought I looked like crap! I started to get really insecure when I was looking at myself in the mirror. I couldn't stop thinking of things like "why can't i just be skinny??" "why can't I love myself??" "why can't I have whiter teeth??" "why can't I be more tan??" Then I started boohooin.... BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I LOOK LIKE!!! I began praying for God to help me to love myself the way that He loves me... And to see myself the way that He sees me..... then..... when I closed my eyes and started thanking Him.... I HEARD HIM SAY.... 'WHEN I LOOK AT YOU..... I SEE BEAUTY!!!!!' it was such an amazing moment!!!!! It was the first time I have heard God like that!!!! Everyone always talks about how they heard God say something.... and i had always felt the nudges on my heart and I've always known certain thoughts were not mine.... BUT THIS.... was the first time I heard God say something to me!!!! ANDDDDDDD while I still worshipping and thanking God.... MY EYES WERE STILL CLOSED and this bright light started shining and I heard God speak to me again.... He SAID..... EVEN IN DARKNESS YOU WILL SEE MY LIGHT!!!

AHHHHHHHH I am just so AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!!! God truely is such an amazing experience and I knOWWWWW that I am nothing without Him! His spirit is with me every where I go... I don't have to be scared of anything... OR ANYONE!! ALL I HAVE TO DO is TRUST HIM! I am not going to lie.... trusting is such a hard thing to do ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS SOMETHING/SOMEONE YOU CAN'T SEE! But That is why its called faith... and LATELY I;ve been called to read my bible more than ever before!!!! AND HIS WORD is so much more faithful than any HUMAN mans! His word is the only thing that matters and THE ONLY WORDS THAT ARE TRUE!
This verse just got stuck in my head last night as I was getting to know MY JESUS.
2 timothy 3:16 says this: All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right.

It was so weird because I always hated reading and always thought " why do i need to read my bible if I have a relationship with God?" BUT THAT VERSE quickened me and Told me faster then I even thought the thought!

THE TRUTH IS..... that WE ALL FALL SHORT... we all have insecurities and EVERYDAY we all battle SOMETHING... whether it be drugs... a bad family life..a bad relationship...alcohol...insecurities..porn...school... being broke constantly...I DONT KNOW... but WE ALL STRUGGLE! I just wish that SOME PEOPLE would stop being stubborn or prideful! STOP THINKING THAT NOTHING CAN HELP WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH....AND WE ALL need to press on and pray for God to set us free of and deliver us from these worldly things. HE CAN AND HE WILL. The POINT GOD WANTS US TO GET when we go through these things... when we start falling out of control of our lives and of ourselves is that HE IS IN CONTROL... not us! He wants you to call out to Him when you are having those nasty thoughts that the enemy brings to your mind. He WANTS TO TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE and He wants to tell you all of the plans He has for you! :) Its pretty wild when you get to know The Lord more and more... Its almost unbelievable STILL that there is so much love He gives and no matter how bad you mess up... He's always going to be there with open arms!

SO ANY WAYS... I could just talk about the Lord forever!! lol
But anyyyways this morning when I got up, i completely had no idea I had to work.... I just wanted to go to the doctor and figure out what the heck is wrong with me!!!!!!! UGHHH Well as I am pulling up to the doctor I see my work schedule and realize HOLY MOLY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK RIGHT NOW..... welp... so i start tryin to call work and for about 30 minutes I tried to get ahold of someone... no ones answered... So i wait...... because I know that someone is bound to call me when I don't show up. I am waiting for my prescription to be filled when Caroline calls! BLESS HER HEART... I would have hated me If I were in her position. "I have the flu... i can't come into work." Ohhh she sounded like she was so mad... and I FELT TERRIBLE!!! She said ok let me see if I can find somone. So about 15 minutes later she calls me RIGHT as I was leaving the doc and asked me if I could go ahead and come in because she can't get anyone to come in! ANd I had too to go anyways because my heart just felt so terrible for putting her in that kinda position! I feltttt like CRAP but I felt like crap for doing that to her! LUCKILY caroline is an awesome woman and had someone come in early for me so I could leave!! Thank the Lord because my voice is half gone and I hate listening to myself talk... my throat is killing me.. and this cough HAS GOT TO GO!!!!!!!

I have small groups tonight and I really want to go.... and I know I;m sick but I am going to cover myself with antibacterial stuff!!!

FACEBOOK

TOdaY has just been a day filled with BLAHHHHHHH. For the last 3 days I have just felt like a hot mess!!! Not to mention that today was the A-day game... and I missed it!!!! This was the first time in 3 years that I've missed it :( Oh well.... tuscaloosa I'm sure didn't miss me too much! This morning I woke Up with no voice, my neck was swolen, my body hurt, my throat hurt, and i was sweatin' bullets!!!!! ughhhh so I had to call into work too because I just could not hardly move from my bed. I finally just started to feel A LITTLE bit better around 11:45 PM tonight.

I have been taking Nyquil until I can get to the doctor on monday. Hopefully its nothin too serious!!

I also have decided in the last week to delete my facebook. It's just something I know I need to do. It distracts me from the things I need to be focused on... Like the Lord, school, and work. I always seem to find information on facebook that upsets me or irritates me and I know that God would rather me be reading WHAT HE HAS TO SAY rather than what the people on facebook have to say. That being said.....I'm getting so serious with my relationship with the Lord. He truely has blessed me with amazing talents. I just pray for the courage to do what He calls me to do and for the strength to speak to the people He wants me to speak too.

There are days when I think, there HAS TO BE something bigger He wants me to do. Its like I'm ready for the next part of my life to come on already. Ha That is me being impatient. I THINK I AM READY but clearly God is not ready for me to step into the next season of my life. I gotta keep taking the steps to get to that point God wants me.... and deleting facebook is one of those steps.

Problems from the past

So today.... my x bf sent me a message on facebook.... which is stupid that it bothers me because he is something I have let go of... I have blocked him on my phone... I HAD him blocked on fb just to make it easier not to check up on him... then I unblocked him and i don't know why it still bothers me.... its not that I still want to be with him... Its the fact that.. everything we had... He just dropped me... wanted nothing to do with me.... and I didn't know what I did.... so i was wondering what the heck did I do to this boy to make Him not even want to be friends with me?
All he said in the fb message was basically how are you? I wanted to check to see you was!
and stupid me..... said miss you! but I do miss him! But its not like the miss him like i used to miss him... I miss him as a friend and in a friendly way... we always felt so comfortable around each other and goofed off and laughed alot! YET, he didn't know how to have a serious conversation without getting offensive or he just wouldnt talk about anything serious at all!

Which brings me to the question.... why can't he just leave me alone for about 6 months.....I would be fine if he would just leave me alone long enough to where when he does send me a message it doesn't get to me... I can't figure out why it gets to me though.... maybe its because its alway on HIS TIME.... if I send him a message just to check on him AS A FRIEND and try to start up the friendship... the friendship is a no go and I NEVER get a message back from him...nor does he answer or return phone calls! BUT when he messages me, I'm always on top of sending him a message back!
I don't have a problem with wanting to be with him anymore... because I want to be with a man of God who loves the Lord more than he loves himself...I had that soul tie broken... and I KNOW THAT GOD HaS SOMEONE MORE COMPATIBLE for me.... I guess my problem is that I just want to be friends with someone who obviously doesn't want to be friends with me! Which is fine... because number one... I am a great friend to have so its his loss and number 2... he was the one bringing me down and making me feel bad in the first place!

STUPID insecurities

I love all of my friends to death! They all are special, unique, and beautiful in their own way. Today, I found myself being very insecure around them. I know that GOD says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He tells me over and over again how beautiful I am and how loved I am..... but for some reason... I barely believe it myself. I WILL SAY, I have gotten alot better about believing it, but it is just certain things that bring up my insecurities.
I try and try and try to keep my mind focused on MY RELATIONSHIP with the Lord. Then, I get around people who seem to be more focused on a relationship with another person, or constantly talk about a boy that they like or a boy who likes them. Then, I find myself wondering, well "why doesn't a boy like me?" THEN, is when my insecurities come flying in my face and I start asking myself, am i not pretty? is my personality not good enough? am I not skinny enough? Its so stupid to me and I hate that those questions even enter my thoughts! But it is the truth..... When I see girls who are totally cute and pretty talking about guys all the time, it makes me wonder, why not me?
Then, I start blaming the guys. For being so visual. For not taking the time, TO GETTING TO KNOW ALL THE GIRLS! The skinny ones, the bigger ones, the beautiful ones, the ones who are simple, the quiet ones who are shy in front of other people. It starts to make me mad when there are girls like me who have great personalities and love the lord but no one will take the time to reallllllllllllyy get to knoW us. They don't take the time To know how funny and goofy I am. Sometimes, I think my perrsonality is what makes my looks even better.
ALL of this makes me mad, because I DO LOVE THE LORD, which is why it bothers me so much that I even start thinking any of this. If we all Love the Lord so much, and want a relationship with him, why are we constantly worried about what other people think? or if a guy likes us? or a girl likes us? Why do we have these insecurities!? Boy crazy girls who claim to love the lord, just make me so mad sometimes. These are beautiful girls who ALWAYS have a different boy in every conversation that comes up! It makes me mad, because I do so good with myself until a boys name comes into the conversation. I DON"T even WANT TO THINK ABOUT BOYS right now. OBVIOUSLY, some of us are single because that is the way that God wants it right now.. I believe we are going to be single until we fulfill Gods plan for us in the season we are in right now. THEN, he will send us someone. I just wish other girls would understand that. I also believe that, if your focus is on a guy all the time and not completely on the Lord, he's not gonna bless you with the perfect man because your not focused on THE MAIN MAN.
Girls like that, for some reason, bring me down and make me start thinking about stupid things. Then, secretly, in my mind, I start getting mad that they are so focused on a boy and not the Lord. I don't say anything, because I feel its not really my place to say anything... But it quietly makes me not want to hang out with girls who are so boy crazy that it makes me start to think about boys.... it makes me lose my focus on the Lord and I don't like how I feel when I am with girls who are boy crazy!
I don't get it... I dont understand it...... its just there. Maybe I am just completely abnormal.

TIM MCGRAW concert

This weekend so so absolutely amazing!!! We went to gulf shores to see the Tim Mcgraw concert! Tim Mcgraw has to be the best concert giver EVER! LOL We got to sit in the lower section and that was the closest I have ever been to a famous person. LOL LadY Antebellem was the opening Act, and I kinda snuck up front and got to touch Charles Kelley's hand! And got a couple of really REALLY great close up pictures! And THen TIM MCGRAW came out, and I have never in my life seen a man that sexy! haha That is really bad of me to say, but goodness gracious he is fine! hE PLAyed ALL the good songs that everyone knows! EXCEPT, I was really sad he didn't play Indian Outlaw... That is one of my most favorite songs by him! :) hehe
We went and ate oysters before the concert at a Place called shuckers, it was extremely yummy... if anyone is ever in orange beach, AL you should check it out!

TIGER, you are not cool in my book!

I am so sick of hearing about Tiger Woods..... UGHHHHHh I don't care how good he has at golf.... I don't like him.. still! I just can never look at him the same way ever again! He was percieved as a Family man and a loving husband! HA The entire time he was cheatin and playin and beIN DIRTY and MESSy! Its men like him who give all men a bad name! Its so hard to believe any man... actually its hard to believe ANYONE (girl or guy)
But erywhere i turn.... I am hearing about tiger woods! I am just tired of it.... honestly.... he's not hot anymore, and i hope he loses his magic touch with the PUt PUt stick! I'm sorry, but no ONE will go unpunished for their wrong doing... and I don't think he has been punished enough! Losing your wife and kid FOR A LITTLE WHILE and going to sex rehab.... IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH! ok.... I'm off my soap box now! lol

LEaVING FoR GULF SHOReS.... NOW! :) i'll post pictures as soon as i get back!

HA i'm Addicted

hehe I've been at this for hours now... It is so interesting and i am still trying to figure everything out!!!! I've been browsing, and some people must have played and played with this website! I have seen some really nifty things and heard people talk about some really crazy things! LOL I LOVE IT THOUGH!! You can see and read about peoples lives from all over the place!!!

I am so tired, but I am just having so much fun with this thing! PLUSSS I am excited! i am going to the beach tomorrow! :) But its not just any beach trip... I am going to gulf Shores for the Tim MCGRAW and LADY Antebellem concert!!!! YAY!! I haven't been to a concert in way too long! It's gonna be so legit!!!! Tim Mcgraw is fine as it gets and so is the male singer of lady antebellem. haha

ONLY bY HiS GRACE

http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=360025842136

OK.... this is my very first blog.. so here it goes

My name is Jessica and I feel like blogging is an outlet and a way to share experiences. I believe it is also a way to get things off of your chest. I am open to anyones opinions and advice if you have any.
I recently rededicated my life to the Lord, and I have not been the same since. He has changed every part of my life. He gave me a new heart, a new life, new friends, new perspective, and new understanding. I am so thankful to My God for giving me a second chance. He is my main man, and nothing can get in the way of my relationship with him. I can say from the bottom of my heart... it is ONLY BY HIS GRACE that I am where I am today. WHich is a great place :)
Psalm 116:2 I will call on him as long as I live.

I am 23 and currently a student at The University of Alabama ( BTW i hate school) where I have majored in everything under the sun!!!! UGH.... I have majored in business, elementary education, nursing, social psychology, fashion retail, AND now my final decision.... is General Human Environmental Sciences... Which is basically another way to explain.. IMMA BE DONE WITH SCHOOL FASTER! haha

I am single and enjoying every minute of it. I know that I am single right now because it is Gods will. Every day I am learning more and more about myself. God is working in my life and in my heart right now, because He knows that before I can be in a relationship with anyone other than Him... I've got alot of things to accomplish. I've been hurt and hurt and more hurt in the past.... and it took me a long time to finally trust God with everything I have, which is why He has SO MUCH work to do in me. My focus belongs to Him right now, and He has promised me THE MAN OF MY DREAMS WHO IS COMPLETELY HEAVEN SENT, AS LONG as I stay faithful to Him each day, and my focus remains on him.

I adore children and I PRAYYY that I will be blessed with beautiful babies one day.
I Am a happy person and I love to laugh! I usually laugh at myself more then anything! lol I love going to the movies... Scary movies and funny movies are my favorite. I love to eat SUSHI!!! I am a pretty simple person and it doesn't take much to make me happy. I love the outdoors* FishIng, HuntINg, CampinG, and I really really want MY OWN 4wheeler!! I'm a country girl but I grew up dancing and being a pageant girl! I love getting dressed up but at the same time I love getting down in the muD! I really want to have a farm one day. With horses and cows and pigs and goats. I wants acres for miles! I loVE LoVE LoVE shoes and the little money i have i usually am shopping with it! :)

One day, when I'm rich of course, I want to travel the world. I want to see everything!!!!! I want to see the other cultures and how people live.... I want to see the beautiful land God created!!!

MOSTLY, I want to touch people's lives.

Right now, my favorite verse is Philippians 3:13-14 But one thing I do: FORGETTING what is behind me and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the prize for which God has called me to Heaven in Christ Jesus.