To the jerk who I thought was an ANGEL

To: The love of my life who turned into the jerk of my life.

Dear DKW,
Once upon a time, I was absolutely certain with everything I had in my body,mind, and soul that you were an angel sent from God and you were the man of my dreams and all of my heartache was over. You were the one and I was never going to hurt again. I thought you were the ONE GUY who was going to prove that not all guys are the same. I was wrong.

How do you make someone feel so small?? Especially someone who loved you so much!????? I don't get how a person can be NUMB like you are. I gave you everything I had... All of me... at all times... I never gave up on you even though you gave up on me. 110% ALWAYS is what you got from me. I fight for what I want... I wanted you! I knew what we had when we were together and I was holding on to all of you just because of the times I spent with you and how special the time was to me.

(BTW.... I don't know if you know this.... I prayed for you.... almost every night since I've known you!!! I FASTED FOR YOU! Even though you didn't deserve that from me... but everyone deserves to know the Lord and to be loved by the Lord... and I didn't do any of it because I wanted to be with you.... I did it because I know there is so much pain HIDDEN in your heart. There has to be... with the way you act... I know your hurting! I knew that If you would just let Jesus transform you... maybe.... JUST MAYBE.... you wouldn't always take everything out on me!)

Don't ask me why I wanted to hold on... because why the heck would anyone want to hold on to you? You never treated me like I should have been treated. MAYBE...in the beginning...but even then you were always making me feel like I was wrong....YOU would beg to differ on that topic because you are selfish and in YOUR eyes... YOU DO NOTHING WRONG!

I always knew what was going to happen! You would come over... and touch me and kiss me like you do... and make me laugh like you do... and make my smile like you do... and I would melt right back to where I was that last time. You always would tell me... I don;t know what I want... AND all I wanted...was to have ONE just ONE adult conversation about us... and what was the deal with us....but you couldn;t and you wouldn't....so I had to ask everytime...and it was alwys the same answer.... IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS....and at some point I got to the point were I should have just knew what you were going to say...but I always HOPED that one day...you would just realize how much I loved you and what you had with me!
You NEVER stopped giving me butterflies... and you knew how much I loved you because you would ask me.. why are you looking at me like that!? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOK MEANS! I know that any guy would be lucky to have me... I know I made you feel like a king. I would have done anything for you. AND I DID DO ANYTHING for you. I can't say that you do the same for me. I know that one day...when no other girl takes care of you like I did.... and they walk all over you like you walked all over me... and when your sick and she cant take care of you cause she is with her friends...and she would rather be with her friends than be with you...and she doesn't answer your phone calls...and she hangs up on you when all you want to do is talk and explain things because you care that much about her that you just want her to understand... and when you look at her and you know THAT SHE KNOWS how much you love her just by that one look but she makes you feel like the dumbest person alive for lovin her that much because you know she dont love you that much......and when you put 110% into her and only get about 45% back from her.... THEN.... THAT IS WHEN YOU WILL THINK OF ME!
You will sit and think.... I had someone who really truly cared about me and loved me unconditionally.... that girl cared about my best interest... she cared about what I cared about... she woulda loved me even if I got in a car wreck and I ended up bein a vegetable for the rest of my life... she woulda loved me so much that she woulda wiped my butthole if I was paralyzed forever...she just wanted to be my rock!!!! she just wanted my time.... she just wanted to show me how much she loved me....... AND I SCREWED UP!!!!! I wouldn't let her love me....and maybe I didn't let myself love her! I have sat back and let the one person who cared about me walk away forever. I put her off to the side, while I looked around to see if there was someone better.... I was looking for beautiful girls not girls with beautiful hearts. I let a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart get away. But now, I'm too stubborn and I will never let her know what I really think of her!
THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE SAYING LATER DOWN THE ROAD. When you realize that beauty isn't everything and when you realize you can't get time back! I know that I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.... but I am pretty and I have a HUGE HEART!

• CHARM IS DECEPTIVE AND BEAUTY IS FLEEING.... BUT A WOMAN WHO LOVES THE LORD WILL BE PRAISED! PROVERBS 31:30

IF you don't care about someone as much as they care about you.... WHY would you drag them along? Why wouldn't you just say... look... I;m really sorry, and I don't want to hurt your feelings... but I want to be honest with you... I just don't have the feelings for you that you have for me. BUT NO, you kept me draggin along.... and then every time I would get to the point that I was FINE without you.... here you come back into my life... i'm guessin it was only to make sure I was still there... and again.. thats a topic I'm sure you would beg to differ on! BEcause You are perfect and everything that happens is my fault. I know that everytime I get mad or my feelings get hurt...its for a PERFECT reason and somehow... you turn and flip it and make me feel like the biggest idiot in the world for being mad.

You are short with me...when I call... you are a jerk..... well the last time I called you were a jerk.... The way you talked...you made it seem like you could care less if you ever talk to me again....... So, at this point... the more you are mean to me like that.... the easier it gets for me to turn and walk away..... last night.... was literally the end of it for me..... 6 months from now.... when I still have not answered a phone call or text that you have sent...and you are wondering what you did????? Please put yourself in my position and try to think how I think ( i know thats a challenge for you because you are so cold) and think of how it would feel.... if.... I answered the phone and the first thing I say... is why are you calling me???? There is nothing to talk about and I don't have anytthing to say... but I appreciate you thinking about me!!!???!!

When your wondering a few months from now... what you did and why I wont talk to you.... think back to the night I called you 5 times in a row... and every time you hung up on me..... and told me you had nothing to say to me!

OK well.... there are a lot more things that are just too mean to spit out on the internet... I'm a christian so I'm not gonna dog you like that! Because I did care about you at one point... and because I have class and respect. You on the other hand.... can continue talkin about me tellin people I'm crazy and this and that because I am over it and this was my last spill on you and about you and too you!