SO, lately...I've really been struggling with some stuff.... For some reason, I just haven't been ME lately... I feel like something is missing! I don't know what... but I know its something! I kinda feel like I haven't been my happy, UPITY, silly, goofy self lately! I feel kinda like I'm losing God and his spirit that was inside me!
Sarah told me it was all lies from the enemy... and I guess that kinda makes sense with everything I've been trying to do recently. Trying to get on with my life without a man in it, trying to stay focused and fix my eyes on ONLY THE LORD, trying to stay strong in this ministry for these kids, trying to lose weight and get on the right track with myself, the feelings of rejection.....MAN ITS ALL JUST BE CREEPIN UP ON ME! AND I HATE IT!
But this morning in church... pastor was talkin about Jesus promised US that we would face troubles and adversity but HE ALSO PROMISED to hold our hand and be there with us and to bring us through it. It's so hard to remind myself of this sometimes. Because I JUST BEAT MYSELF UP some days. I put myself down so much.....and then that night I sit there and ask... HOLY SPIRIT... WHERE ARE YOU????? THIS IS NOT THE FRUIT OF YOUR SPIRIT!!! And it makes me wonder, what the heck is going on? I haven't done anything differently!??? Yes, I have been struggling with things lately, but I have still been praying and turning to the Lord for answers... So why is it, that some days are better than others! Some days... I feel so depressed and down... and I miss the WORLDLY THINGS AND PEOPLE so much and some days, I know exactly what I am doing!
Tonight, I was watching that Tyler Perry Movie "why did I get married?" and I kept thinking..MAN I LOVE HIS MOVIES... they are always based upon faith and christianity! I LOVE THAT! But I started to look at the couples in this movie and one man had been havin an affair with a woman who was gorgeous, BUT SHE DIDNT HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER! And the woman he was married too, did everything for him.....Yet, she wasn't good enough for him. Then later on in the movie.... He starts to realize what he did... that he had this woman who was 80 %....EIGHTY PERCENT... of what he wanted in a woman... but this other little woman comes in who is perfect by the looks of it but she is ONLY 20 %..The girl didnt do NOTHING FOR HIM but spend his money and LOOK GOOD.......the woman he was married to started to doubt God for a minute... BUT THEN, just as she started to doubt him..... THERE WAS THIS GORGEOUS MAN who wanted to marry her.... A GORGEOUS, CHRISTIAN, LOVING, AND RESPECTFUL MAN!
And when you think about it... thats exactly how The lord works.... Just when you start thinkin he aint there no more.... HE POPS UP and gives you something better than what you had before.
So i guess my thing is this..... When is He gonna pop up and give me what I deserve?
I am just ready to fully happy again! I changed my life completely in february and The enemy has come at me HARD but I have done better than I ever thought I'd be able to... And its been hard to maintain my level with Jesus. The enemy brought something back into my life that he knew would tear me down and make me question myself. I have started wondering... what did I do wrong?? why am i not good enough!?? Why can I not be stronger?? people tell me all the time How beautiful I am.... WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE IT!?????? People have treated me like crap in the past and I am still holding on to all of those OLD THINGS... and now I am questioning myself even though I KNOW IN MY HEART WHO I AM IN GOD... BUT MY MIND KEEPS TELLIN ME I'M NOT THAT WOMAN!
I just hate sometimes how hard it is... I want to be that woman that other people come TO ME for advice... not me always bein the one askin for advice! And I feel like I am so full of knowledge and wisdom to help other people... I just need to believe it! I can give GREAT ADVICE for the girls who do talk to me... why can't I practice what I preach though? I want people to look at me and be like.. MAN, she is so bold in christ! But, I feel like something is holding me back.. and I pray all the time about it and I still feel like I am not going anywhere!???? Needless to say, Scripture says to never stop praying...I just am ready for an answer Lord... THats ALL!
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When I read your posts, I see so much I can relate to. I am simply very insecure, and am constantly picking things out about myself.. Just because of relationship problems, and how I have been treated in the past. I am the person that gives advice, and takes delight in offering advice.. But If only, I could take my own words and use them in my life.. Then maybe, I will be able to begin to see the right way .. Chin Up!! The world is at your doorstep!! :)
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