I know its been forever since i blogged last but my computer is not as close to me back home in birmingham like it is when im in tuscaloosa for school. LOL Sooooo, i guess im going to update you a little bit... briefly... shortly...and sweetly :o)
I came home to my moms house for the summer to work with kids at the YMCA... i never did my pageant... because... well.... im just lazy and what not! haha for some reason things just weren't falling into place like i expected them too.. mainly..... the money part of it! and the paper work was just too much and too confusing to deal with! BUTTTT i hope to still get my platform out there to work with children promoting character based on the bible! So if anyone knows of anywhere as a good place to get that started or if anyone wants to help out in any way... THAT WOULD BE SOOOOOO AWESOME! :)
My last day at the ymca for the summer will be august 6 and then I'm going back to tuscaloosa to work and then heading out to texas for some American Idol try outs with my girl Jana! Its just for fun for me and to support her, and plus after the long summer.... im ready for a road trip and some fun! and to get away from boy drama... still the same boy btw! it never fails.... the closer i get to moving on.... what does he do??? throws that line on out there just a little bit! but i can honestly say this.... it doesn't bother me like it did... but i think its because number one i'm on commitment right now so i cant date anyways haha number 2.... itll work out in Gods time if its supposed to... and number 3....i expect him to be a jerk now but we dont really talk. But i'm torn with the whole acting like a christian and being kind and forgiving towards him. I mean in the bible it says if your enemy slaps you.... turn the other cheek and let them slap the other side! WELL MY FACE HURTS FROM LETTING HIM SLAP ME SO MUCH! so do i keep on forgiving him and giving him chances or what!????? I dunno... you tell me!
Other than all that.... im really hoping to get a new car! I have been demo driving a brand new crimson/black nissan maxima! My honda is just not makin it like it used to! I mean jeez, its got 170,000 miles on it and been through everythinggggg! I just need a reliable car now... and im not going to waste my money on just anything... if im gonna spend my money, its going to be on something that I'm in love with! andddd IM IN LOVE WITH THAT CAR! but ill have to work my butt off to make the payments for it! like 4 jobs or something! haha but i think it might end up working out if the lord decides to bless me.... the Manager of the Nissan store is a guy from my church! I'm really hoping he will knock the price down a little bit and help with the payments some by cutting them in HALF of what they are right now! Im realllyyyyy praying that this is from God! If it doesnt come through... well.... then I pray someone rear ends me and THEY can buy me a knew car hehehehe
I also... have been thinkin alot lately about what I want in the next relationship i do end up in... How I want to be treated and how and what I think I should be for my boyfriend/ future husband! I know that The lord is not the author of confusion... and that my ex boyfriend who I STAY CONFUSED ABOUT clearly will never change.. and if he does... we all know its no time soon. But whoever I am with.... I want to be his best friend, and he to be my best friend... his rock and back bone....his only true love, the one he calls first with good news or bad news.... the one who makes him laugh no matter how mad he is at me or anyone else, the one he gets advice about anything important from, the one who knows EVERY SMALL DETAIL AND SECRET about him, stuff that his mother or even his best guy friend doesnt know, the girl that he cant live without, the girl he would fight for if anything or anyone ever tried to come between us! The girl he isn't afraid to tell his friends that i've got him wrapped around my pinky...but it will be ok because I will be wrapped around his too! The one he ALWAYS says I love you too.... and the one girl where not a day goes by without him giving me a compliment... such as "your beautiful" and i would tell him..."baby, you are so sexy" I wanna be the girl he disses his friends for.... the girl he goes to church with....... i wanna be everything to someone..... and I wanna be there and take care of someone and be the best wife/gf i can possibly be to someone! All of the stuff I want to be for him.... i want him to be for me too!
alright well thats it haha good to get that out! WHew!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
CONFIRMATION FROM THE LORD
Alot of you may not know, but I used to compete in Miss Alabama Preliminaries (if you win you go to Miss alabama). I absolutely loved competing and showing my talent and love of dance to other people. I never actually placed in any of the pageants... got top 10 a couple of times though...the last pageant I competed in...I won talent. After about 18 pageants and I didn't place, I got a little burnt out and thought to myself..."this is obviously not what the Lord has in store for me right now.".. what is the point of pushing myself and watching what I eat if I'm not going anywhere in this aspect of my life? It was definately a dream of mine to place in the top 5 and to even win and go on to Miss Alabama, but the actual percent of that happening was pretty much slim to none in my mind.
Well about a week ago, actually not even a week ago.... like Monday night, I was watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about how we have certain dreams in our hearts because God puts them there... and if the desires to pursue that dream are still there... then GOD STILL WANTS YOU TO PURSUE THE DREAM! And God is always saying..."You still should!"
-This is relevant because the Miss Alabama Pageant started on wednesday!The entire time I am watching the pageant for the last 3 nights... all I can think about is how much I miss it and how I want to get back into competing so badddd!!! Then after I think about it, I try and talk myself out of it....Telling myself....where are you gonna get the money? What are you going to wear??? you can't lose that much weight before july 31st!!!! What are you gonna do for talent?!?? what about pictures and headshots???? whats your platform going to be??? YOU CAN"T DO THIS BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
SO........ thursday night at the pageant...I ran into an old friends mom... i danced with her all growing up and then did pageants with her forever too! Her mom is best friends with the miss leeds pageant director! They both (the director and my friends mom) are telling me that I better be in the Miss leeds pageant on july 31st! I tell them.... "Do you see how much weight I've gained???? and I can't pay for that.... my mom is not going to help me at all!" They both keep telling me.... you can do it!!!!! Start now... get your papers together and call me and Ill see what I can do to help. So at this point... I'm set... KINDA! I still am thinking.... THERES NO WAY I CAN GET ALL OF THIS TOGETHER IN A MONTH AND A HALF!!! much less.... I gotta lose about 40 pounds... BECAUSE I REFUSEEEEEEEEEEE to look like a heffer on stage! HA
OK .... SO LISTEN... cause this is where it gets crazy :) a friend tagged me in a picture, this little girl comments on it and says "omg jessica was my big sister in miss leeds area 2005!" NOW....I don't know what anyone else thinks that means.... BUT TO ME.... that was God answering my question, "should i do miss Leeds?" I did it way back in the day and I here I am wondering and thinking about whether I should actually go through with it..... and there it is... as plain as day!!! DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE IT?
I thought it was CRAZZYYYYY that God really can be so blunt sometimes and it AMAZED me as soon as I saw that The little girl commented on the picture! I mean out of all things... the little rising star who I mentored at the Miss LEeds Pageant FIVE YEARS AGO (to be honest kinda forgot about her) is right here showing up at this time!??????? WHEWWW Its defiantely a God thing! :)
*THe one question I've been asking myself and God straight up gave me an answer.At this point.... All I can do is prepare myself for the pageant, because the dream is still in my heart... and God is gonna get the rest... Nope.... I don't have any money to do it.... and Nope I can't fit into a dress or swim suit right now... and nope I dont have a talent right now... and NOPE I dont have any pictures.... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT..... THE LORD WILL PROVIDE!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
NO ONE said it would be easy
SO, lately...I've really been struggling with some stuff.... For some reason, I just haven't been ME lately... I feel like something is missing! I don't know what... but I know its something! I kinda feel like I haven't been my happy, UPITY, silly, goofy self lately! I feel kinda like I'm losing God and his spirit that was inside me!
Sarah told me it was all lies from the enemy... and I guess that kinda makes sense with everything I've been trying to do recently. Trying to get on with my life without a man in it, trying to stay focused and fix my eyes on ONLY THE LORD, trying to stay strong in this ministry for these kids, trying to lose weight and get on the right track with myself, the feelings of rejection.....MAN ITS ALL JUST BE CREEPIN UP ON ME! AND I HATE IT!
But this morning in church... pastor was talkin about Jesus promised US that we would face troubles and adversity but HE ALSO PROMISED to hold our hand and be there with us and to bring us through it. It's so hard to remind myself of this sometimes. Because I JUST BEAT MYSELF UP some days. I put myself down so much.....and then that night I sit there and ask... HOLY SPIRIT... WHERE ARE YOU????? THIS IS NOT THE FRUIT OF YOUR SPIRIT!!! And it makes me wonder, what the heck is going on? I haven't done anything differently!??? Yes, I have been struggling with things lately, but I have still been praying and turning to the Lord for answers... So why is it, that some days are better than others! Some days... I feel so depressed and down... and I miss the WORLDLY THINGS AND PEOPLE so much and some days, I know exactly what I am doing!
Tonight, I was watching that Tyler Perry Movie "why did I get married?" and I kept thinking..MAN I LOVE HIS MOVIES... they are always based upon faith and christianity! I LOVE THAT! But I started to look at the couples in this movie and one man had been havin an affair with a woman who was gorgeous, BUT SHE DIDNT HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER! And the woman he was married too, did everything for him.....Yet, she wasn't good enough for him. Then later on in the movie.... He starts to realize what he did... that he had this woman who was 80 %....EIGHTY PERCENT... of what he wanted in a woman... but this other little woman comes in who is perfect by the looks of it but she is ONLY 20 %..The girl didnt do NOTHING FOR HIM but spend his money and LOOK GOOD.......the woman he was married to started to doubt God for a minute... BUT THEN, just as she started to doubt him..... THERE WAS THIS GORGEOUS MAN who wanted to marry her.... A GORGEOUS, CHRISTIAN, LOVING, AND RESPECTFUL MAN!
And when you think about it... thats exactly how The lord works.... Just when you start thinkin he aint there no more.... HE POPS UP and gives you something better than what you had before.
So i guess my thing is this..... When is He gonna pop up and give me what I deserve?
I am just ready to fully happy again! I changed my life completely in february and The enemy has come at me HARD but I have done better than I ever thought I'd be able to... And its been hard to maintain my level with Jesus. The enemy brought something back into my life that he knew would tear me down and make me question myself. I have started wondering... what did I do wrong?? why am i not good enough!?? Why can I not be stronger?? people tell me all the time How beautiful I am.... WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE IT!?????? People have treated me like crap in the past and I am still holding on to all of those OLD THINGS... and now I am questioning myself even though I KNOW IN MY HEART WHO I AM IN GOD... BUT MY MIND KEEPS TELLIN ME I'M NOT THAT WOMAN!
I just hate sometimes how hard it is... I want to be that woman that other people come TO ME for advice... not me always bein the one askin for advice! And I feel like I am so full of knowledge and wisdom to help other people... I just need to believe it! I can give GREAT ADVICE for the girls who do talk to me... why can't I practice what I preach though? I want people to look at me and be like.. MAN, she is so bold in christ! But, I feel like something is holding me back.. and I pray all the time about it and I still feel like I am not going anywhere!???? Needless to say, Scripture says to never stop praying...I just am ready for an answer Lord... THats ALL!
Sarah told me it was all lies from the enemy... and I guess that kinda makes sense with everything I've been trying to do recently. Trying to get on with my life without a man in it, trying to stay focused and fix my eyes on ONLY THE LORD, trying to stay strong in this ministry for these kids, trying to lose weight and get on the right track with myself, the feelings of rejection.....MAN ITS ALL JUST BE CREEPIN UP ON ME! AND I HATE IT!
But this morning in church... pastor was talkin about Jesus promised US that we would face troubles and adversity but HE ALSO PROMISED to hold our hand and be there with us and to bring us through it. It's so hard to remind myself of this sometimes. Because I JUST BEAT MYSELF UP some days. I put myself down so much.....and then that night I sit there and ask... HOLY SPIRIT... WHERE ARE YOU????? THIS IS NOT THE FRUIT OF YOUR SPIRIT!!! And it makes me wonder, what the heck is going on? I haven't done anything differently!??? Yes, I have been struggling with things lately, but I have still been praying and turning to the Lord for answers... So why is it, that some days are better than others! Some days... I feel so depressed and down... and I miss the WORLDLY THINGS AND PEOPLE so much and some days, I know exactly what I am doing!
Tonight, I was watching that Tyler Perry Movie "why did I get married?" and I kept thinking..MAN I LOVE HIS MOVIES... they are always based upon faith and christianity! I LOVE THAT! But I started to look at the couples in this movie and one man had been havin an affair with a woman who was gorgeous, BUT SHE DIDNT HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER! And the woman he was married too, did everything for him.....Yet, she wasn't good enough for him. Then later on in the movie.... He starts to realize what he did... that he had this woman who was 80 %....EIGHTY PERCENT... of what he wanted in a woman... but this other little woman comes in who is perfect by the looks of it but she is ONLY 20 %..The girl didnt do NOTHING FOR HIM but spend his money and LOOK GOOD.......the woman he was married to started to doubt God for a minute... BUT THEN, just as she started to doubt him..... THERE WAS THIS GORGEOUS MAN who wanted to marry her.... A GORGEOUS, CHRISTIAN, LOVING, AND RESPECTFUL MAN!
And when you think about it... thats exactly how The lord works.... Just when you start thinkin he aint there no more.... HE POPS UP and gives you something better than what you had before.
So i guess my thing is this..... When is He gonna pop up and give me what I deserve?
I am just ready to fully happy again! I changed my life completely in february and The enemy has come at me HARD but I have done better than I ever thought I'd be able to... And its been hard to maintain my level with Jesus. The enemy brought something back into my life that he knew would tear me down and make me question myself. I have started wondering... what did I do wrong?? why am i not good enough!?? Why can I not be stronger?? people tell me all the time How beautiful I am.... WHY CAN'T I BELIEVE IT!?????? People have treated me like crap in the past and I am still holding on to all of those OLD THINGS... and now I am questioning myself even though I KNOW IN MY HEART WHO I AM IN GOD... BUT MY MIND KEEPS TELLIN ME I'M NOT THAT WOMAN!
I just hate sometimes how hard it is... I want to be that woman that other people come TO ME for advice... not me always bein the one askin for advice! And I feel like I am so full of knowledge and wisdom to help other people... I just need to believe it! I can give GREAT ADVICE for the girls who do talk to me... why can't I practice what I preach though? I want people to look at me and be like.. MAN, she is so bold in christ! But, I feel like something is holding me back.. and I pray all the time about it and I still feel like I am not going anywhere!???? Needless to say, Scripture says to never stop praying...I just am ready for an answer Lord... THats ALL!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
:) NicE DaY to CatCh some RayS
Today was such a peaceful day! I had the day off and it was the first day I didn't have to be up at work early.... I should probably get used to that though considering I'm about to be working at a summer camp and gotta BE THERE at 6 am..... I AM SOOOO NOT A MORNING PERSON! lol My new best friend has recently become a 3foot tall can of monster energy drink! THe Blue Kind lol :0) Its pretty delicious if I must say so.. HeEHeE
Anyways... I got to sleep til 12:30 and it was actually really hard to stay asleep that long... my internal clock always wakes me uP! or my dog does! lol
I went and layed out at the pool with my good pal blake who I am making take me to the lake this weekend... he doesn't know it yet though! HAAHAHA
Today has just been very relaxing!
I also decided, because I think its what is best for me at the moment... and I also believe it was what God has called for me to do in this season....Its time for committment! To the Lord! Which means..... NO BOYS! :)
FINALLY, I am not going to think about, worry about, or want a relationship until its the right time and until I know exactly where I stand and who I am as a woman of God. I know that I need to know all about myself before I can start to get to know another person. God wants me to know him and he wants to know me! That is a relationship I am willing to give up boys for!
For the next 7 months of my life.... there will be no dating! and as hard as it may be.... I am not going to wish for a relationship even though it IS the desires of my heart. My biggest dream and desire is to be married with atleast 3 or 4 kids... and to live on a farm with my sexy, outdoorsy, huntin, fishin, ridin 4 wheelers husband! BUTTTTT the lord has said if I give him all of my attention for now, THEN....he will give me what I want! I can't wait for that day when I meet my husband...but I KNOW that I won't meet him as long as I stay focused on what I WANT and not what THE LORD WANTS!
I'm very at peace about it..... I know the Lords got my back in all sitautions... and I don't give him enough credit! So, Thank you lord..... for ALL of the wonderful things you have done for me!
Hope everyone had a great day as well! :o)
LOVE yALL!
Anyways... I got to sleep til 12:30 and it was actually really hard to stay asleep that long... my internal clock always wakes me uP! or my dog does! lol
I went and layed out at the pool with my good pal blake who I am making take me to the lake this weekend... he doesn't know it yet though! HAAHAHA
Today has just been very relaxing!
I also decided, because I think its what is best for me at the moment... and I also believe it was what God has called for me to do in this season....Its time for committment! To the Lord! Which means..... NO BOYS! :)
FINALLY, I am not going to think about, worry about, or want a relationship until its the right time and until I know exactly where I stand and who I am as a woman of God. I know that I need to know all about myself before I can start to get to know another person. God wants me to know him and he wants to know me! That is a relationship I am willing to give up boys for!
For the next 7 months of my life.... there will be no dating! and as hard as it may be.... I am not going to wish for a relationship even though it IS the desires of my heart. My biggest dream and desire is to be married with atleast 3 or 4 kids... and to live on a farm with my sexy, outdoorsy, huntin, fishin, ridin 4 wheelers husband! BUTTTTT the lord has said if I give him all of my attention for now, THEN....he will give me what I want! I can't wait for that day when I meet my husband...but I KNOW that I won't meet him as long as I stay focused on what I WANT and not what THE LORD WANTS!
I'm very at peace about it..... I know the Lords got my back in all sitautions... and I don't give him enough credit! So, Thank you lord..... for ALL of the wonderful things you have done for me!
Hope everyone had a great day as well! :o)
LOVE yALL!
Monday, May 24, 2010
To the jerk who I thought was an ANGEL
To: The love of my life who turned into the jerk of my life.
Dear DKW,
Once upon a time, I was absolutely certain with everything I had in my body,mind, and soul that you were an angel sent from God and you were the man of my dreams and all of my heartache was over. You were the one and I was never going to hurt again. I thought you were the ONE GUY who was going to prove that not all guys are the same. I was wrong.
How do you make someone feel so small?? Especially someone who loved you so much!????? I don't get how a person can be NUMB like you are. I gave you everything I had... All of me... at all times... I never gave up on you even though you gave up on me. 110% ALWAYS is what you got from me. I fight for what I want... I wanted you! I knew what we had when we were together and I was holding on to all of you just because of the times I spent with you and how special the time was to me.
(BTW.... I don't know if you know this.... I prayed for you.... almost every night since I've known you!!! I FASTED FOR YOU! Even though you didn't deserve that from me... but everyone deserves to know the Lord and to be loved by the Lord... and I didn't do any of it because I wanted to be with you.... I did it because I know there is so much pain HIDDEN in your heart. There has to be... with the way you act... I know your hurting! I knew that If you would just let Jesus transform you... maybe.... JUST MAYBE.... you wouldn't always take everything out on me!)
Don't ask me why I wanted to hold on... because why the heck would anyone want to hold on to you? You never treated me like I should have been treated. MAYBE...in the beginning...but even then you were always making me feel like I was wrong....YOU would beg to differ on that topic because you are selfish and in YOUR eyes... YOU DO NOTHING WRONG!
I always knew what was going to happen! You would come over... and touch me and kiss me like you do... and make me laugh like you do... and make my smile like you do... and I would melt right back to where I was that last time. You always would tell me... I don;t know what I want... AND all I wanted...was to have ONE just ONE adult conversation about us... and what was the deal with us....but you couldn;t and you wouldn't....so I had to ask everytime...and it was alwys the same answer.... IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS....and at some point I got to the point were I should have just knew what you were going to say...but I always HOPED that one day...you would just realize how much I loved you and what you had with me!
You NEVER stopped giving me butterflies... and you knew how much I loved you because you would ask me.. why are you looking at me like that!? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOK MEANS! I know that any guy would be lucky to have me... I know I made you feel like a king. I would have done anything for you. AND I DID DO ANYTHING for you. I can't say that you do the same for me. I know that one day...when no other girl takes care of you like I did.... and they walk all over you like you walked all over me... and when your sick and she cant take care of you cause she is with her friends...and she would rather be with her friends than be with you...and she doesn't answer your phone calls...and she hangs up on you when all you want to do is talk and explain things because you care that much about her that you just want her to understand... and when you look at her and you know THAT SHE KNOWS how much you love her just by that one look but she makes you feel like the dumbest person alive for lovin her that much because you know she dont love you that much......and when you put 110% into her and only get about 45% back from her.... THEN.... THAT IS WHEN YOU WILL THINK OF ME!
You will sit and think.... I had someone who really truly cared about me and loved me unconditionally.... that girl cared about my best interest... she cared about what I cared about... she woulda loved me even if I got in a car wreck and I ended up bein a vegetable for the rest of my life... she woulda loved me so much that she woulda wiped my butthole if I was paralyzed forever...she just wanted to be my rock!!!! she just wanted my time.... she just wanted to show me how much she loved me....... AND I SCREWED UP!!!!! I wouldn't let her love me....and maybe I didn't let myself love her! I have sat back and let the one person who cared about me walk away forever. I put her off to the side, while I looked around to see if there was someone better.... I was looking for beautiful girls not girls with beautiful hearts. I let a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart get away. But now, I'm too stubborn and I will never let her know what I really think of her!
THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE SAYING LATER DOWN THE ROAD. When you realize that beauty isn't everything and when you realize you can't get time back! I know that I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.... but I am pretty and I have a HUGE HEART!
IF you don't care about someone as much as they care about you.... WHY would you drag them along? Why wouldn't you just say... look... I;m really sorry, and I don't want to hurt your feelings... but I want to be honest with you... I just don't have the feelings for you that you have for me. BUT NO, you kept me draggin along.... and then every time I would get to the point that I was FINE without you.... here you come back into my life... i'm guessin it was only to make sure I was still there... and again.. thats a topic I'm sure you would beg to differ on! BEcause You are perfect and everything that happens is my fault. I know that everytime I get mad or my feelings get hurt...its for a PERFECT reason and somehow... you turn and flip it and make me feel like the biggest idiot in the world for being mad.
You are short with me...when I call... you are a jerk..... well the last time I called you were a jerk.... The way you talked...you made it seem like you could care less if you ever talk to me again....... So, at this point... the more you are mean to me like that.... the easier it gets for me to turn and walk away..... last night.... was literally the end of it for me..... 6 months from now.... when I still have not answered a phone call or text that you have sent...and you are wondering what you did????? Please put yourself in my position and try to think how I think ( i know thats a challenge for you because you are so cold) and think of how it would feel.... if.... I answered the phone and the first thing I say... is why are you calling me???? There is nothing to talk about and I don't have anytthing to say... but I appreciate you thinking about me!!!???!!
When your wondering a few months from now... what you did and why I wont talk to you.... think back to the night I called you 5 times in a row... and every time you hung up on me..... and told me you had nothing to say to me!
OK well.... there are a lot more things that are just too mean to spit out on the internet... I'm a christian so I'm not gonna dog you like that! Because I did care about you at one point... and because I have class and respect. You on the other hand.... can continue talkin about me tellin people I'm crazy and this and that because I am over it and this was my last spill on you and about you and too you!
Dear DKW,
Once upon a time, I was absolutely certain with everything I had in my body,mind, and soul that you were an angel sent from God and you were the man of my dreams and all of my heartache was over. You were the one and I was never going to hurt again. I thought you were the ONE GUY who was going to prove that not all guys are the same. I was wrong.
How do you make someone feel so small?? Especially someone who loved you so much!????? I don't get how a person can be NUMB like you are. I gave you everything I had... All of me... at all times... I never gave up on you even though you gave up on me. 110% ALWAYS is what you got from me. I fight for what I want... I wanted you! I knew what we had when we were together and I was holding on to all of you just because of the times I spent with you and how special the time was to me.
(BTW.... I don't know if you know this.... I prayed for you.... almost every night since I've known you!!! I FASTED FOR YOU! Even though you didn't deserve that from me... but everyone deserves to know the Lord and to be loved by the Lord... and I didn't do any of it because I wanted to be with you.... I did it because I know there is so much pain HIDDEN in your heart. There has to be... with the way you act... I know your hurting! I knew that If you would just let Jesus transform you... maybe.... JUST MAYBE.... you wouldn't always take everything out on me!)
Don't ask me why I wanted to hold on... because why the heck would anyone want to hold on to you? You never treated me like I should have been treated. MAYBE...in the beginning...but even then you were always making me feel like I was wrong....YOU would beg to differ on that topic because you are selfish and in YOUR eyes... YOU DO NOTHING WRONG!
I always knew what was going to happen! You would come over... and touch me and kiss me like you do... and make me laugh like you do... and make my smile like you do... and I would melt right back to where I was that last time. You always would tell me... I don;t know what I want... AND all I wanted...was to have ONE just ONE adult conversation about us... and what was the deal with us....but you couldn;t and you wouldn't....so I had to ask everytime...and it was alwys the same answer.... IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS....and at some point I got to the point were I should have just knew what you were going to say...but I always HOPED that one day...you would just realize how much I loved you and what you had with me!
You NEVER stopped giving me butterflies... and you knew how much I loved you because you would ask me.. why are you looking at me like that!? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOK MEANS! I know that any guy would be lucky to have me... I know I made you feel like a king. I would have done anything for you. AND I DID DO ANYTHING for you. I can't say that you do the same for me. I know that one day...when no other girl takes care of you like I did.... and they walk all over you like you walked all over me... and when your sick and she cant take care of you cause she is with her friends...and she would rather be with her friends than be with you...and she doesn't answer your phone calls...and she hangs up on you when all you want to do is talk and explain things because you care that much about her that you just want her to understand... and when you look at her and you know THAT SHE KNOWS how much you love her just by that one look but she makes you feel like the dumbest person alive for lovin her that much because you know she dont love you that much......and when you put 110% into her and only get about 45% back from her.... THEN.... THAT IS WHEN YOU WILL THINK OF ME!
You will sit and think.... I had someone who really truly cared about me and loved me unconditionally.... that girl cared about my best interest... she cared about what I cared about... she woulda loved me even if I got in a car wreck and I ended up bein a vegetable for the rest of my life... she woulda loved me so much that she woulda wiped my butthole if I was paralyzed forever...she just wanted to be my rock!!!! she just wanted my time.... she just wanted to show me how much she loved me....... AND I SCREWED UP!!!!! I wouldn't let her love me....and maybe I didn't let myself love her! I have sat back and let the one person who cared about me walk away forever. I put her off to the side, while I looked around to see if there was someone better.... I was looking for beautiful girls not girls with beautiful hearts. I let a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart get away. But now, I'm too stubborn and I will never let her know what I really think of her!
THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE SAYING LATER DOWN THE ROAD. When you realize that beauty isn't everything and when you realize you can't get time back! I know that I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.... but I am pretty and I have a HUGE HEART!
- CHARM IS DECEPTIVE AND BEAUTY IS FLEEING.... BUT A WOMAN WHO LOVES THE LORD WILL BE PRAISED! PROVERBS 31:30
IF you don't care about someone as much as they care about you.... WHY would you drag them along? Why wouldn't you just say... look... I;m really sorry, and I don't want to hurt your feelings... but I want to be honest with you... I just don't have the feelings for you that you have for me. BUT NO, you kept me draggin along.... and then every time I would get to the point that I was FINE without you.... here you come back into my life... i'm guessin it was only to make sure I was still there... and again.. thats a topic I'm sure you would beg to differ on! BEcause You are perfect and everything that happens is my fault. I know that everytime I get mad or my feelings get hurt...its for a PERFECT reason and somehow... you turn and flip it and make me feel like the biggest idiot in the world for being mad.
You are short with me...when I call... you are a jerk..... well the last time I called you were a jerk.... The way you talked...you made it seem like you could care less if you ever talk to me again....... So, at this point... the more you are mean to me like that.... the easier it gets for me to turn and walk away..... last night.... was literally the end of it for me..... 6 months from now.... when I still have not answered a phone call or text that you have sent...and you are wondering what you did????? Please put yourself in my position and try to think how I think ( i know thats a challenge for you because you are so cold) and think of how it would feel.... if.... I answered the phone and the first thing I say... is why are you calling me???? There is nothing to talk about and I don't have anytthing to say... but I appreciate you thinking about me!!!???!!
When your wondering a few months from now... what you did and why I wont talk to you.... think back to the night I called you 5 times in a row... and every time you hung up on me..... and told me you had nothing to say to me!
OK well.... there are a lot more things that are just too mean to spit out on the internet... I'm a christian so I'm not gonna dog you like that! Because I did care about you at one point... and because I have class and respect. You on the other hand.... can continue talkin about me tellin people I'm crazy and this and that because I am over it and this was my last spill on you and about you and too you!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
A new day
Sometimes, I REALLY WISH CERTAIN PEOPLE WOULD READ THIS BLOG. :0)
But, unfortunately... My words are usually read only by a select few people if I am lucky. I hope that my words can touch and help yall, because I know that some of the stuff I read on your blog...helps me!
Today, I woke up... with a newly found peace! I knew that God was going to take care of me and my situation. It is so hard to trust...that I don't have to be in control of my life or everything in my life. It's defiantely hard to let someone else be in control. But the thing is.... I DO HAVE TO TRUST that someone else is going to control my life better than I can control it myself.
So far, I haven't been let down. Yes, I've had to let go and get rid of things I didn't really want to let go of, and yes I've had to give up alot. BUT it has all been worth it. God has led me to great places and to great people. There are still things from the past that linger that have been the hardest to let go of.... but I finally have.... AND IT FEELS AMAZING! Not to worry if i'm loved or not by a certain person or if they think about me or miss me or want to be with me! It wasn't easy because that person is what I wanted and dude..I'd be lying if I said I didn't still want it, because I do..but thats not the point. The point is...that I want him...but I'll be ok if God ends up not changing the person I want and sending me someone better. Because that's how God rolls. He either doesn't want that for you and has something better or its not the right time and you gotta be patient. I'm so at peace with this now... its hard to let go...but once you finally do, you will be sittin there like...why didn't I do this earlier! Because you are not sitting there thinking about things all day...yeah i think about it... but not as much! I gave it to God to handle so what is the point of sitting there thinking about it all day and wondering what is going to happen. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THINGS..... only GOD CAN.
God is going to do HIS WILL, whether you like it or not...so don't try to change it because you can't. Just agree with Him and let him do his job. He knows what He is doing. Someone told me the other day "Sometimes OUR yes's are alot louder than GOD's no's! Which means we are pretty much fighting God and telling him what we want instead of telling him to give us what He wants! It was hard to grasp but I knew God kept telling me, "jessica, you just gotta let go!" I just didn't want to hear it because it's not what I wanted to do. I was scared that as soon as I let go, that would be it......the end of my boy and i..... I didn't want that... I couldn't even begin to think about a life without him in it....
When God tells you to let go...He's not telling you to stop talkin and being friends but he's sayin stop expecting things to go YOUR WAY and let them happen MY WAY!
Fall in love with God. Make your next boyfriend go through God to get to you. For instance, my situation...I AM NOT GOING TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON THE SAME LEVEL I'M ON, and I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't love jesus. We all know what we want...its just that we settle for what we can get. Don't settle! You don't have too! You deserve the best because YOU ARE ROYALTY! You are a precious child of God and that is what makes you so special! I will NOT COMPROMISE on certain things that I want out of a man. I am not willing to sacrafice certain things to be with a man. I am not going to let anyone bring me down to the point that I don't know who I am without them. Its just not a fun feeling and it hurts!
God gave me this verse about my guy and I realized after reading it that I can't put myself in a position with him because he ain't on my level. This verse describes my situation and my dude to a tea!
James 3:13-18
If you are wise and understand Gods ways, live a life of steady goodnes so that only good deeds will pour forth. And if you don't brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your hearts, don't brag about being wise. That is the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not Gods kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the devil. For wherever there is jealousy, there is selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure.It is also peace, loving, gentle at times, and willing to yeild to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.
I am not sure what everyone is going through...but no ones life is completely perfect without any flaws to it. Whatever it is.... I challenge you to give it to God, and see how your life changes!
I love YAll!!! :o)
But, unfortunately... My words are usually read only by a select few people if I am lucky. I hope that my words can touch and help yall, because I know that some of the stuff I read on your blog...helps me!
Today, I woke up... with a newly found peace! I knew that God was going to take care of me and my situation. It is so hard to trust...that I don't have to be in control of my life or everything in my life. It's defiantely hard to let someone else be in control. But the thing is.... I DO HAVE TO TRUST that someone else is going to control my life better than I can control it myself.
So far, I haven't been let down. Yes, I've had to let go and get rid of things I didn't really want to let go of, and yes I've had to give up alot. BUT it has all been worth it. God has led me to great places and to great people. There are still things from the past that linger that have been the hardest to let go of.... but I finally have.... AND IT FEELS AMAZING! Not to worry if i'm loved or not by a certain person or if they think about me or miss me or want to be with me! It wasn't easy because that person is what I wanted and dude..I'd be lying if I said I didn't still want it, because I do..but thats not the point. The point is...that I want him...but I'll be ok if God ends up not changing the person I want and sending me someone better. Because that's how God rolls. He either doesn't want that for you and has something better or its not the right time and you gotta be patient. I'm so at peace with this now... its hard to let go...but once you finally do, you will be sittin there like...why didn't I do this earlier! Because you are not sitting there thinking about things all day...yeah i think about it... but not as much! I gave it to God to handle so what is the point of sitting there thinking about it all day and wondering what is going to happen. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THINGS..... only GOD CAN.
God is going to do HIS WILL, whether you like it or not...so don't try to change it because you can't. Just agree with Him and let him do his job. He knows what He is doing. Someone told me the other day "Sometimes OUR yes's are alot louder than GOD's no's! Which means we are pretty much fighting God and telling him what we want instead of telling him to give us what He wants! It was hard to grasp but I knew God kept telling me, "jessica, you just gotta let go!" I just didn't want to hear it because it's not what I wanted to do. I was scared that as soon as I let go, that would be it......the end of my boy and i..... I didn't want that... I couldn't even begin to think about a life without him in it....
When God tells you to let go...He's not telling you to stop talkin and being friends but he's sayin stop expecting things to go YOUR WAY and let them happen MY WAY!
Fall in love with God. Make your next boyfriend go through God to get to you. For instance, my situation...I AM NOT GOING TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON THE SAME LEVEL I'M ON, and I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't love jesus. We all know what we want...its just that we settle for what we can get. Don't settle! You don't have too! You deserve the best because YOU ARE ROYALTY! You are a precious child of God and that is what makes you so special! I will NOT COMPROMISE on certain things that I want out of a man. I am not willing to sacrafice certain things to be with a man. I am not going to let anyone bring me down to the point that I don't know who I am without them. Its just not a fun feeling and it hurts!
God gave me this verse about my guy and I realized after reading it that I can't put myself in a position with him because he ain't on my level. This verse describes my situation and my dude to a tea!
James 3:13-18
If you are wise and understand Gods ways, live a life of steady goodnes so that only good deeds will pour forth. And if you don't brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your hearts, don't brag about being wise. That is the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not Gods kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the devil. For wherever there is jealousy, there is selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure.It is also peace, loving, gentle at times, and willing to yeild to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.
I am not sure what everyone is going through...but no ones life is completely perfect without any flaws to it. Whatever it is.... I challenge you to give it to God, and see how your life changes!
I love YAll!!! :o)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
God, I need your wisdom for this
The Lord knows the desires of my heart.... He knows the list I have made of the perfect man.... which is so funny to me because the guy I want so much is defiantely not perfect or close to the man i made up on a piece of paper. I desperately need your wisdom Lord. I do great in my relationship with the lord until my past pops back into my life. Which is why I need some guidance.
Every time he waltz back into my life, Its always on his time. He is the one who always makes the INCONSISTENT appearances. I know that this is not what God wants for me. My friends and family have told me to move on but its hard because I just want to have hope that he will end up growing up and maturing and realizing that when there is someone who loves you so much with unconditional love...and you love that person back, but you can't seem to settle down or figure out what is holding you back from being with a girl you see yourself being married too...... MAYBE JUST MAYBE....those feelings are there for a reason and we are back in each others lives for a reason.... and a guy will try and try and try to find every explanation to push that idea out of the window. I've heard guys say this before too. They have that girl who is the perfect one and you know how great she is, but they assume they have time to mess around because THE PERFECT GIRL will always wait around. WHich is not true... yeah, we wait for a while... but it definately gets old and eventually we do move on... FOR GOOD! I think that if you know how much someone loves you, why would you feel the need to wait if you know you love them back.... you either love someone and you want to be with them... or you dont! END OF STORY! Guys say that we girls are the ones who make things so complicated.... we might, but they do the junk that makes us make it complicated. Then act like they don't know what we are talking about when we tell them what they did wrong.
We ended up fighting about everything...about the fact that you can't tell a girl shes everything you want in a wife and NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I told him he cant really expect me to not think that what he said is a way to try to work things out and start hanging out more. THen he said we're not dating...im single... i dont have to talk to you or see you everyday! He actually said some very hateful things to me... which started to make me see him a little differently... but still its like the rejection just makes me want to fight more to make sure I flip the tables. It works... i do start threatening to be done for good and then he grabs and is like your gonna be done OVER THIS!???? hahahahahhaha wow......
I just know that if we were on the same page.... OMG....i'd marry him tomorrow.... but we arent! I had to tell him that.... yeah... i wanna be with him and all....but not right now... if things ended up being different and he started loving jesus more.... itd be on!
I told him that too.... and he said well why dont you just let God deal with all of this stuff! UMMMM EXCUSE ME...... i have been.... i was doing great until you showed back up! Things happen for a reason... i don;'t know what that reason is.... which is why I need for you to show me God..... you know what I want in a man...and you know the man I want.... so please show me the way or the way out if I need to go a different way!
Every time he waltz back into my life, Its always on his time. He is the one who always makes the INCONSISTENT appearances. I know that this is not what God wants for me. My friends and family have told me to move on but its hard because I just want to have hope that he will end up growing up and maturing and realizing that when there is someone who loves you so much with unconditional love...and you love that person back, but you can't seem to settle down or figure out what is holding you back from being with a girl you see yourself being married too...... MAYBE JUST MAYBE....those feelings are there for a reason and we are back in each others lives for a reason.... and a guy will try and try and try to find every explanation to push that idea out of the window. I've heard guys say this before too. They have that girl who is the perfect one and you know how great she is, but they assume they have time to mess around because THE PERFECT GIRL will always wait around. WHich is not true... yeah, we wait for a while... but it definately gets old and eventually we do move on... FOR GOOD! I think that if you know how much someone loves you, why would you feel the need to wait if you know you love them back.... you either love someone and you want to be with them... or you dont! END OF STORY! Guys say that we girls are the ones who make things so complicated.... we might, but they do the junk that makes us make it complicated. Then act like they don't know what we are talking about when we tell them what they did wrong.
We ended up fighting about everything...about the fact that you can't tell a girl shes everything you want in a wife and NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I told him he cant really expect me to not think that what he said is a way to try to work things out and start hanging out more. THen he said we're not dating...im single... i dont have to talk to you or see you everyday! He actually said some very hateful things to me... which started to make me see him a little differently... but still its like the rejection just makes me want to fight more to make sure I flip the tables. It works... i do start threatening to be done for good and then he grabs and is like your gonna be done OVER THIS!???? hahahahahhaha wow......
I just know that if we were on the same page.... OMG....i'd marry him tomorrow.... but we arent! I had to tell him that.... yeah... i wanna be with him and all....but not right now... if things ended up being different and he started loving jesus more.... itd be on!
I told him that too.... and he said well why dont you just let God deal with all of this stuff! UMMMM EXCUSE ME...... i have been.... i was doing great until you showed back up! Things happen for a reason... i don;'t know what that reason is.... which is why I need for you to show me God..... you know what I want in a man...and you know the man I want.... so please show me the way or the way out if I need to go a different way!
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