....BuSy BEE

So, school has started back.... AND I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED! oh brother! I cannot seem to get on track with my volunteer hours.... my work hours.... church hours.....God hours.....school hours...... homework hours....! GEEEZZZZZ! it seems like its never going to end! haha While I say all of that..... I honestly..... HAVE TO GIVE GOD GLORY! I prayed and prayed and prayed and then prayed some more for the Lord to fill my life with opporunities to change lives and be a light for Him! I prayed that he would keep me so busy that I would have no time what so ever to think about my past, the people from my past who hurt me, or boys PERIOD.... and he SURE ENOUGHHHHHH as the sky is blue made my semester RIDICULOUSLY busy! :)) But I am so stinkin excited to get started because I am so anxious to see where He is going to take me. I know that doors I didn't even know existed are about to be opened for me.

I am taking 2 classes in which I have to volunteer. Through out this semester, I have to volunteer 100 hours..... yes... ONE HUNDRED hours! One of the places, is an after school care program for At Risk children..... another place is a society in which I get to help in almost every aspect of a persons life..... with food.... shelter....clothing....therapy...finding a job... WHAT ELSE COULD I ASK FOR???? Not only am I going to get a chance to be an example in other peoples lives.... I am also, MYSELF, going to be changed forever by the people I encounter.
I cannot be more thankful to the Lord.

I am soooooo ready to get started!!!!!!

not happenin

so....the friends thing didn't work...its like the enemy does everything in his power to make me crazy mad and jealous...when I shouldn't care in the first place because I gave it to God to deal with....solo HOWWWW does that little devil always manipulate me..I always believe the lies! Pastor Chris at church of the highlands talked about spiritual warfare the others day..and the mind is the most powerful source to create stories and believe them..its so easy to think about something and then the enemy creeps on into your thoughts telling you crap cause that's where our deepest secrets are and that snake twists the grub all kinda ways so you will fall back into his traps! Dont be fooled by his liesssss....they are all lies...the people you are mad at..dont be mad at them because its the enemy INSIDE their minds which causes them to act rude and mean! THe enemy loves for a person to be vulnerable so then that way he can get in your mind and start working to start fights with people about ridiculous things!!! I have honestly come to the conclusion that I will most definitely always love deval...but its the lords decision on if we are ever together again...and that depends on deVals CHOICE to live for God or the world. ...I can't be with someone who is on a downward path going no where... I give GOd control of this situation completely this time...I have to prove to myself..God...and my ex..that I am fine BY MYSELF...and that the only man I need in my life is the lord! ya feel me??? LOL I'm physically tired of being stressed about that situation and for now...its over for good....I'm falling in love with Jesus...and thats the end.

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day 3

so.............. The start of day 3.... Its 5 in the morning and Ummm i can't sleep.............. My mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything i've been through with this guy... I can't stop asking myself "why?" why doesn't he love me the way i love him? And i can't stop thinking about all the other girls that he is JUST FRIENDS with.....am i just a number to him??? How am i supposed to dooooo thisssssssss???????????? He talks to sooooooo many girls.............. The thought of him being with someone else.....AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate the thought process.............. My mind and heart are constantly battling each other....in my mind....there's no way it'll work out....but my heart loves him so much that its willing to do anything just to say we did everything we could to be with this guy! Some friends are like....jess...if he doesn't see how awesome you are by now...then he never will! Maybe that's true....but atleast im giving it one last shot to show him againnnn how great i am! And then after that if he still doesn't see.....then i know for dang sure its not anything about me! I just wish this wasn't something that consumed my mind so much! Hahaha i sit and go over and over in my mind what id say to him later down the road if he ever regretted giving me up! That's just wishful thinking! I miss who i was before i met him....i was independent, confident, and i was HAPPILY SINGLE and not looking for anyone to be with and wasn't concerned with any relationship but the ones with my friends! I miss those days....i wanna go back to that! I pray and pray and pray that god gives me the strength and courage to be a great friend to him...and that my feelings of loving him would just disappear and never come back! Ha RIGHT! Im leaving today to go to the beach with my mom and sister...i think while i'm there im just going to turn off my phone and relax....no phone for 4 days..... The end! Maybe if i don't have a phone i won't worry about if he calls or not :)

my jesus

Which Jesus do you follow? Which Jesus do you serve? If Ephesians says to imitate Christ, Then why do you look so much like the world? Cause my Jesus bled and died, He spent His time with thieves and liars, He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant. So which one do you want to be?Blessed are the poor in spirit. Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land? Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness. Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand. Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins. He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars. He loved the poor and accosted the rich. So which one do you want to be? Who is this that you follow. This picture of the American dream. If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet? Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion, Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins. But the Word says He was battered and scarred. Or did you miss that part? Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him Cause my Jesus bled and died He spent His time with thieves and the least of these He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable, So which one do you want to be? Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church! The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet! But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud...I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd! And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud, I want to be like my Jesus! I want to be like my Jesus! Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus! You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity! I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus, Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me! Can I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus

last chance

So, I'm trying something that I've never tried before....and at the end of my commitment to the Lord, if what I try doesn't work....then i'll know exactly what to do. Which means, for the next 4 months I am going to TRY MY BEST to be "JUST FRIENDS" with my ex boyfriend. The one who I love and hate all at the same time and the one I swore i'd never talk to again.....lol Yup...thats the one! This is the last chance I am giving us....if this doesn't work and it doesn't turn into something more over time....then I gotta really give it up...unless over the next 4 months my heart and mind and soul give it up on its own and somehow I just automatically get used to being just friends with him and I move on without even realizing it.

Another reason I am doing this, is because I asked the Lord to give me a sign... A sign that He is the one! I prayed that on sunday night... monday i invited him over to talk and explain how I feel and see how he feels... and he didn;t show up...TUESDAY morning at 8am he knocks on my door...i didn't really know what to make of that! BUT no matter what happens, no matter how bad he treats me...I can ONLY PICTURE us in the future. I have this gut feeling that he is the one... and that he is going to be a strong willed man, a godly man, a loving man, and hard working. I don't think it makes any sense to have this desire or these thoughts for no reason... and the fact that after all of this time... I can still love him like that!??? it just doesn'ttttt make sense! I honestly, believe that this IS part of Gods will. I have been telling God I trust him.... but I don't think God really believes me. Because I wasn't confident about being just friends with this guy that I am so used to being more involved with.... I started to ask God again after my ex and I talked... I said Lord...is this you???? what is this??? Where the heck is this going????? not ONLY did God remind me that I am on commitment and shouldn't be focused on this dude anywayssss but He also pointed out Two other verses to make me understand and to bring some things to light!
The first verse was from ephesians....
*The more words you speak, the less they mean. So why over do it? Ephesians 6:11 I think the Lord said this to me... because when it comes to my ex..... I say more than I should.... I say over and over that I don't wanna talk to him... thats its over...I'm done and I go right back to him after thats all done! Then I talk TOO much when I am trying to get back together and make things work.... and its not about words....... its about actions!! and I think the lord was saying to me... Jessica, stop running your mouth! Your not letting me guide you! I'm not done with fixing everything inside of your heart yet so stop trying to move ahead when its not time! You promised yourself to ME!! Which is true...

The second verse that the Lord shared with me which is the one that I think is most definately LEGIT and gives me a reasonable explanation for why I decided to go on commitment and gives me a sign to what I was asking for!!
* But if we look forward to something we don't have YET, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25
If I asked for something that I have been wanting for a long time... and i havent gotten it YET... i have been praying and asking all wrong! I DEFINATELYYYY have not been patient... and i for sure haven't been confident about it...i am absolutely NO psychic! so theres no telling what could happen... but in the dictionary, one of the meanings for the word "yet" means eventually.... so for god to show that to me at this specific time and in regaurds to what I was asking him..... He pretty much answered it!

I believe that God wants us to be just friends for right now, because I've never really been a good witness to this boy....I've never been serious about actually doing anything... and I know that before the Lord will let me be with anyone... I have to learn how to BE MYSELF and stand up for who I am.... I also know that THe Lord is NOTTTT going to settle for me being with someone who lives for this world.... I am really hoping that through this process, he remembers and sees the reasons why he fell in love in the first place.... I am hoping that I can also lead him closer to God. Because two people can never be together if one lives for the Lord and the other lives for the WOrld!

Everyday, I am going to blog about this situation and its progress....I CAN ONLY HOPE for the best but I am going to prepare myself and put walls up and expect the worst! I am trusting God with it!

We had a convo the other day and I spilled out everything to him, including the fact that i think Hes the one and i don't want to be with anyone else... and tried to talk him into taking baby steps and trying to work on things, which was stupid as everything because I KNOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO DATE.....but once again...he tells me he doesn't know who the "right girl" is and that he's trying to figure out what's best for him! He also tells me that WHEN AND IF we get back together is HIS DECISION! AND THAT FOR NOW, we should just be friends and see where that goes........ Which KILLLLLLLLLs my heart....to sit and tell someone how much you love them and they are the only one, and all they have to say back is i think we should just be friends?????? :( not a good feeling.... He and i have had this conversation before and he always just wants to be friends, but i always told myself....and i've told him....."dude, i can't be just friends with someone i love like that... It would be too hard not to kiss him...or what if he starts dating someone.....JESSICA YOU WOULD FLIP AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!" I know how things are gonna be.....but this time....is different! At this point, where we are....this is my only hope to trying to make him see what he has with me! And they always say, "when you love someone let them go!" So i am actually going to TRY to be just a friend for him and let go of the idea of being a girlfriend to him. WHEN or even IF this guy is supposed to be a part of my life romantically, is up to God.

sorry its been a while :)

I know its been forever since i blogged last but my computer is not as close to me back home in birmingham like it is when im in tuscaloosa for school. LOL Sooooo, i guess im going to update you a little bit... briefly... shortly...and sweetly :o)

I came home to my moms house for the summer to work with kids at the YMCA... i never did my pageant... because... well.... im just lazy and what not! haha for some reason things just weren't falling into place like i expected them too.. mainly..... the money part of it! and the paper work was just too much and too confusing to deal with! BUTTTT i hope to still get my platform out there to work with children promoting character based on the bible! So if anyone knows of anywhere as a good place to get that started or if anyone wants to help out in any way... THAT WOULD BE SOOOOOO AWESOME! :)
My last day at the ymca for the summer will be august 6 and then I'm going back to tuscaloosa to work and then heading out to texas for some American Idol try outs with my girl Jana! Its just for fun for me and to support her, and plus after the long summer.... im ready for a road trip and some fun! and to get away from boy drama... still the same boy btw! it never fails.... the closer i get to moving on.... what does he do??? throws that line on out there just a little bit! but i can honestly say this.... it doesn't bother me like it did... but i think its because number one i'm on commitment right now so i cant date anyways haha number 2.... itll work out in Gods time if its supposed to... and number 3....i expect him to be a jerk now but we dont really talk. But i'm torn with the whole acting like a christian and being kind and forgiving towards him. I mean in the bible it says if your enemy slaps you.... turn the other cheek and let them slap the other side! WELL MY FACE HURTS FROM LETTING HIM SLAP ME SO MUCH! so do i keep on forgiving him and giving him chances or what!????? I dunno... you tell me!

Other than all that.... im really hoping to get a new car! I have been demo driving a brand new crimson/black nissan maxima! My honda is just not makin it like it used to! I mean jeez, its got 170,000 miles on it and been through everythinggggg! I just need a reliable car now... and im not going to waste my money on just anything... if im gonna spend my money, its going to be on something that I'm in love with! andddd IM IN LOVE WITH THAT CAR! but ill have to work my butt off to make the payments for it! like 4 jobs or something! haha but i think it might end up working out if the lord decides to bless me.... the Manager of the Nissan store is a guy from my church! I'm really hoping he will knock the price down a little bit and help with the payments some by cutting them in HALF of what they are right now! Im realllyyyyy praying that this is from God! If it doesnt come through... well.... then I pray someone rear ends me and THEY can buy me a knew car hehehehe

I also... have been thinkin alot lately about what I want in the next relationship i do end up in... How I want to be treated and how and what I think I should be for my boyfriend/ future husband! I know that The lord is not the author of confusion... and that my ex boyfriend who I STAY CONFUSED ABOUT clearly will never change.. and if he does... we all know its no time soon. But whoever I am with.... I want to be his best friend, and he to be my best friend... his rock and back bone....his only true love, the one he calls first with good news or bad news.... the one who makes him laugh no matter how mad he is at me or anyone else, the one he gets advice about anything important from, the one who knows EVERY SMALL DETAIL AND SECRET about him, stuff that his mother or even his best guy friend doesnt know, the girl that he cant live without, the girl he would fight for if anything or anyone ever tried to come between us! The girl he isn't afraid to tell his friends that i've got him wrapped around my pinky...but it will be ok because I will be wrapped around his too! The one he ALWAYS says I love you too.... and the one girl where not a day goes by without him giving me a compliment... such as "your beautiful" and i would tell him..."baby, you are so sexy" I wanna be the girl he disses his friends for.... the girl he goes to church with....... i wanna be everything to someone..... and I wanna be there and take care of someone and be the best wife/gf i can possibly be to someone! All of the stuff I want to be for him.... i want him to be for me too!

alright well thats it haha good to get that out! WHew!

CONFIRMATION FROM THE LORD

Alot of you may not know, but I used to compete in Miss Alabama Preliminaries (if you win you go to Miss alabama). I absolutely loved competing and showing my talent and love of dance to other people. I never actually placed in any of the pageants... got top 10 a couple of times though...the last pageant I competed in...I won talent. After about 18 pageants and I didn't place, I got a little burnt out and thought to myself..."this is obviously not what the Lord has in store for me right now.".. what is the point of pushing myself and watching what I eat if I'm not going anywhere in this aspect of my life? It was definately a dream of mine to place in the top 5 and to even win and go on to Miss Alabama, but the actual percent of that happening was pretty much slim to none in my mind.

Well about a week ago, actually not even a week ago.... like Monday night, I was watching Joel Osteen and he was talking about how we have certain dreams in our hearts because God puts them there... and if the desires to pursue that dream are still there... then GOD STILL WANTS YOU TO PURSUE THE DREAM! And God is always saying..."You still should!"

-This is relevant because the Miss Alabama Pageant started on wednesday!

The entire time I am watching the pageant for the last 3 nights... all I can think about is how much I miss it and how I want to get back into competing so badddd!!! Then after I think about it, I try and talk myself out of it....Telling myself....where are you gonna get the money? What are you going to wear??? you can't lose that much weight before july 31st!!!! What are you gonna do for talent?!?? what about pictures and headshots???? whats your platform going to be??? YOU CAN"T DO THIS BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

SO........ thursday night at the pageant...I ran into an old friends mom... i danced with her all growing up and then did pageants with her forever too! Her mom is best friends with the miss leeds pageant director! They both (the director and my friends mom) are telling me that I better be in the Miss leeds pageant on july 31st! I tell them.... "Do you see how much weight I've gained???? and I can't pay for that.... my mom is not going to help me at all!" They both keep telling me.... you can do it!!!!! Start now... get your papers together and call me and Ill see what I can do to help. So at this point... I'm set... KINDA! I still am thinking.... THERES NO WAY I CAN GET ALL OF THIS TOGETHER IN A MONTH AND A HALF!!! much less.... I gotta lose about 40 pounds... BECAUSE I REFUSEEEEEEEEEEE to look like a heffer on stage! HA

OK .... SO LISTEN... cause this is where it gets crazy :) a friend tagged me in a picture, this little girl comments on it and says "omg jessica was my big sister in miss leeds area 2005!" NOW....I don't know what anyone else thinks that means.... BUT TO ME.... that was God answering my question, "should i do miss Leeds?" I did it way back in the day and I here I am wondering and thinking about whether I should actually go through with it..... and there it is... as plain as day!!! DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE IT?

I thought it was CRAZZYYYYY that God really can be so blunt sometimes and it AMAZED me as soon as I saw that The little girl commented on the picture! I mean out of all things... the little rising star who I mentored at the Miss LEeds Pageant FIVE YEARS AGO (to be honest kinda forgot about her) is right here showing up at this time!??????? WHEWWW Its defiantely a God thing! :)

*THe one question I've been asking myself and God straight up gave me an answer.

At this point.... All I can do is prepare myself for the pageant, because the dream is still in my heart... and God is gonna get the rest... Nope.... I don't have any money to do it.... and Nope I can't fit into a dress or swim suit right now... and nope I dont have a talent right now... and NOPE I dont have any pictures.... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT..... THE LORD WILL PROVIDE!