last chance

So, I'm trying something that I've never tried before....and at the end of my commitment to the Lord, if what I try doesn't work....then i'll know exactly what to do. Which means, for the next 4 months I am going to TRY MY BEST to be "JUST FRIENDS" with my ex boyfriend. The one who I love and hate all at the same time and the one I swore i'd never talk to again.....lol Yup...thats the one! This is the last chance I am giving us....if this doesn't work and it doesn't turn into something more over time....then I gotta really give it up...unless over the next 4 months my heart and mind and soul give it up on its own and somehow I just automatically get used to being just friends with him and I move on without even realizing it.

Another reason I am doing this, is because I asked the Lord to give me a sign... A sign that He is the one! I prayed that on sunday night... monday i invited him over to talk and explain how I feel and see how he feels... and he didn;t show up...TUESDAY morning at 8am he knocks on my door...i didn't really know what to make of that! BUT no matter what happens, no matter how bad he treats me...I can ONLY PICTURE us in the future. I have this gut feeling that he is the one... and that he is going to be a strong willed man, a godly man, a loving man, and hard working. I don't think it makes any sense to have this desire or these thoughts for no reason... and the fact that after all of this time... I can still love him like that!??? it just doesn'ttttt make sense! I honestly, believe that this IS part of Gods will. I have been telling God I trust him.... but I don't think God really believes me. Because I wasn't confident about being just friends with this guy that I am so used to being more involved with.... I started to ask God again after my ex and I talked... I said Lord...is this you???? what is this??? Where the heck is this going????? not ONLY did God remind me that I am on commitment and shouldn't be focused on this dude anywayssss but He also pointed out Two other verses to make me understand and to bring some things to light!
The first verse was from ephesians....
*The more words you speak, the less they mean. So why over do it? Ephesians 6:11 I think the Lord said this to me... because when it comes to my ex..... I say more than I should.... I say over and over that I don't wanna talk to him... thats its over...I'm done and I go right back to him after thats all done! Then I talk TOO much when I am trying to get back together and make things work.... and its not about words....... its about actions!! and I think the lord was saying to me... Jessica, stop running your mouth! Your not letting me guide you! I'm not done with fixing everything inside of your heart yet so stop trying to move ahead when its not time! You promised yourself to ME!! Which is true...

The second verse that the Lord shared with me which is the one that I think is most definately LEGIT and gives me a reasonable explanation for why I decided to go on commitment and gives me a sign to what I was asking for!!
* But if we look forward to something we don't have YET, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25
If I asked for something that I have been wanting for a long time... and i havent gotten it YET... i have been praying and asking all wrong! I DEFINATELYYYY have not been patient... and i for sure haven't been confident about it...i am absolutely NO psychic! so theres no telling what could happen... but in the dictionary, one of the meanings for the word "yet" means eventually.... so for god to show that to me at this specific time and in regaurds to what I was asking him..... He pretty much answered it!

I believe that God wants us to be just friends for right now, because I've never really been a good witness to this boy....I've never been serious about actually doing anything... and I know that before the Lord will let me be with anyone... I have to learn how to BE MYSELF and stand up for who I am.... I also know that THe Lord is NOTTTT going to settle for me being with someone who lives for this world.... I am really hoping that through this process, he remembers and sees the reasons why he fell in love in the first place.... I am hoping that I can also lead him closer to God. Because two people can never be together if one lives for the Lord and the other lives for the WOrld!

Everyday, I am going to blog about this situation and its progress....I CAN ONLY HOPE for the best but I am going to prepare myself and put walls up and expect the worst! I am trusting God with it!

We had a convo the other day and I spilled out everything to him, including the fact that i think Hes the one and i don't want to be with anyone else... and tried to talk him into taking baby steps and trying to work on things, which was stupid as everything because I KNOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO DATE.....but once again...he tells me he doesn't know who the "right girl" is and that he's trying to figure out what's best for him! He also tells me that WHEN AND IF we get back together is HIS DECISION! AND THAT FOR NOW, we should just be friends and see where that goes........ Which KILLLLLLLLLs my heart....to sit and tell someone how much you love them and they are the only one, and all they have to say back is i think we should just be friends?????? :( not a good feeling.... He and i have had this conversation before and he always just wants to be friends, but i always told myself....and i've told him....."dude, i can't be just friends with someone i love like that... It would be too hard not to kiss him...or what if he starts dating someone.....JESSICA YOU WOULD FLIP AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!" I know how things are gonna be.....but this time....is different! At this point, where we are....this is my only hope to trying to make him see what he has with me! And they always say, "when you love someone let them go!" So i am actually going to TRY to be just a friend for him and let go of the idea of being a girlfriend to him. WHEN or even IF this guy is supposed to be a part of my life romantically, is up to God.