....BuSy BEE

So, school has started back.... AND I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED! oh brother! I cannot seem to get on track with my volunteer hours.... my work hours.... church hours.....God hours.....school hours...... homework hours....! GEEEZZZZZ! it seems like its never going to end! haha While I say all of that..... I honestly..... HAVE TO GIVE GOD GLORY! I prayed and prayed and prayed and then prayed some more for the Lord to fill my life with opporunities to change lives and be a light for Him! I prayed that he would keep me so busy that I would have no time what so ever to think about my past, the people from my past who hurt me, or boys PERIOD.... and he SURE ENOUGHHHHHH as the sky is blue made my semester RIDICULOUSLY busy! :)) But I am so stinkin excited to get started because I am so anxious to see where He is going to take me. I know that doors I didn't even know existed are about to be opened for me.

I am taking 2 classes in which I have to volunteer. Through out this semester, I have to volunteer 100 hours..... yes... ONE HUNDRED hours! One of the places, is an after school care program for At Risk children..... another place is a society in which I get to help in almost every aspect of a persons life..... with food.... shelter....clothing....therapy...finding a job... WHAT ELSE COULD I ASK FOR???? Not only am I going to get a chance to be an example in other peoples lives.... I am also, MYSELF, going to be changed forever by the people I encounter.
I cannot be more thankful to the Lord.

I am soooooo ready to get started!!!!!!

not happenin

so....the friends thing didn't work...its like the enemy does everything in his power to make me crazy mad and jealous...when I shouldn't care in the first place because I gave it to God to deal with....solo HOWWWW does that little devil always manipulate me..I always believe the lies! Pastor Chris at church of the highlands talked about spiritual warfare the others day..and the mind is the most powerful source to create stories and believe them..its so easy to think about something and then the enemy creeps on into your thoughts telling you crap cause that's where our deepest secrets are and that snake twists the grub all kinda ways so you will fall back into his traps! Dont be fooled by his liesssss....they are all lies...the people you are mad at..dont be mad at them because its the enemy INSIDE their minds which causes them to act rude and mean! THe enemy loves for a person to be vulnerable so then that way he can get in your mind and start working to start fights with people about ridiculous things!!! I have honestly come to the conclusion that I will most definitely always love deval...but its the lords decision on if we are ever together again...and that depends on deVals CHOICE to live for God or the world. ...I can't be with someone who is on a downward path going no where... I give GOd control of this situation completely this time...I have to prove to myself..God...and my ex..that I am fine BY MYSELF...and that the only man I need in my life is the lord! ya feel me??? LOL I'm physically tired of being stressed about that situation and for now...its over for good....I'm falling in love with Jesus...and thats the end.

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day 3

so.............. The start of day 3.... Its 5 in the morning and Ummm i can't sleep.............. My mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything i've been through with this guy... I can't stop asking myself "why?" why doesn't he love me the way i love him? And i can't stop thinking about all the other girls that he is JUST FRIENDS with.....am i just a number to him??? How am i supposed to dooooo thisssssssss???????????? He talks to sooooooo many girls.............. The thought of him being with someone else.....AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate the thought process.............. My mind and heart are constantly battling each other....in my mind....there's no way it'll work out....but my heart loves him so much that its willing to do anything just to say we did everything we could to be with this guy! Some friends are like....jess...if he doesn't see how awesome you are by now...then he never will! Maybe that's true....but atleast im giving it one last shot to show him againnnn how great i am! And then after that if he still doesn't see.....then i know for dang sure its not anything about me! I just wish this wasn't something that consumed my mind so much! Hahaha i sit and go over and over in my mind what id say to him later down the road if he ever regretted giving me up! That's just wishful thinking! I miss who i was before i met him....i was independent, confident, and i was HAPPILY SINGLE and not looking for anyone to be with and wasn't concerned with any relationship but the ones with my friends! I miss those days....i wanna go back to that! I pray and pray and pray that god gives me the strength and courage to be a great friend to him...and that my feelings of loving him would just disappear and never come back! Ha RIGHT! Im leaving today to go to the beach with my mom and sister...i think while i'm there im just going to turn off my phone and relax....no phone for 4 days..... The end! Maybe if i don't have a phone i won't worry about if he calls or not :)

my jesus

Which Jesus do you follow? Which Jesus do you serve? If Ephesians says to imitate Christ, Then why do you look so much like the world? Cause my Jesus bled and died, He spent His time with thieves and liars, He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant. So which one do you want to be?Blessed are the poor in spirit. Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land? Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness. Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand. Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins. He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars. He loved the poor and accosted the rich. So which one do you want to be? Who is this that you follow. This picture of the American dream. If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet? Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion, Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins. But the Word says He was battered and scarred. Or did you miss that part? Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him Cause my Jesus bled and died He spent His time with thieves and the least of these He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable, So which one do you want to be? Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church! The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet! But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud...I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd! And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud, I want to be like my Jesus! I want to be like my Jesus! Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus! You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity! I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus, Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me! Can I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus

last chance

So, I'm trying something that I've never tried before....and at the end of my commitment to the Lord, if what I try doesn't work....then i'll know exactly what to do. Which means, for the next 4 months I am going to TRY MY BEST to be "JUST FRIENDS" with my ex boyfriend. The one who I love and hate all at the same time and the one I swore i'd never talk to again.....lol Yup...thats the one! This is the last chance I am giving us....if this doesn't work and it doesn't turn into something more over time....then I gotta really give it up...unless over the next 4 months my heart and mind and soul give it up on its own and somehow I just automatically get used to being just friends with him and I move on without even realizing it.

Another reason I am doing this, is because I asked the Lord to give me a sign... A sign that He is the one! I prayed that on sunday night... monday i invited him over to talk and explain how I feel and see how he feels... and he didn;t show up...TUESDAY morning at 8am he knocks on my door...i didn't really know what to make of that! BUT no matter what happens, no matter how bad he treats me...I can ONLY PICTURE us in the future. I have this gut feeling that he is the one... and that he is going to be a strong willed man, a godly man, a loving man, and hard working. I don't think it makes any sense to have this desire or these thoughts for no reason... and the fact that after all of this time... I can still love him like that!??? it just doesn'ttttt make sense! I honestly, believe that this IS part of Gods will. I have been telling God I trust him.... but I don't think God really believes me. Because I wasn't confident about being just friends with this guy that I am so used to being more involved with.... I started to ask God again after my ex and I talked... I said Lord...is this you???? what is this??? Where the heck is this going????? not ONLY did God remind me that I am on commitment and shouldn't be focused on this dude anywayssss but He also pointed out Two other verses to make me understand and to bring some things to light!
The first verse was from ephesians....
*The more words you speak, the less they mean. So why over do it? Ephesians 6:11 I think the Lord said this to me... because when it comes to my ex..... I say more than I should.... I say over and over that I don't wanna talk to him... thats its over...I'm done and I go right back to him after thats all done! Then I talk TOO much when I am trying to get back together and make things work.... and its not about words....... its about actions!! and I think the lord was saying to me... Jessica, stop running your mouth! Your not letting me guide you! I'm not done with fixing everything inside of your heart yet so stop trying to move ahead when its not time! You promised yourself to ME!! Which is true...

The second verse that the Lord shared with me which is the one that I think is most definately LEGIT and gives me a reasonable explanation for why I decided to go on commitment and gives me a sign to what I was asking for!!
* But if we look forward to something we don't have YET, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25
If I asked for something that I have been wanting for a long time... and i havent gotten it YET... i have been praying and asking all wrong! I DEFINATELYYYY have not been patient... and i for sure haven't been confident about it...i am absolutely NO psychic! so theres no telling what could happen... but in the dictionary, one of the meanings for the word "yet" means eventually.... so for god to show that to me at this specific time and in regaurds to what I was asking him..... He pretty much answered it!

I believe that God wants us to be just friends for right now, because I've never really been a good witness to this boy....I've never been serious about actually doing anything... and I know that before the Lord will let me be with anyone... I have to learn how to BE MYSELF and stand up for who I am.... I also know that THe Lord is NOTTTT going to settle for me being with someone who lives for this world.... I am really hoping that through this process, he remembers and sees the reasons why he fell in love in the first place.... I am hoping that I can also lead him closer to God. Because two people can never be together if one lives for the Lord and the other lives for the WOrld!

Everyday, I am going to blog about this situation and its progress....I CAN ONLY HOPE for the best but I am going to prepare myself and put walls up and expect the worst! I am trusting God with it!

We had a convo the other day and I spilled out everything to him, including the fact that i think Hes the one and i don't want to be with anyone else... and tried to talk him into taking baby steps and trying to work on things, which was stupid as everything because I KNOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO DATE.....but once again...he tells me he doesn't know who the "right girl" is and that he's trying to figure out what's best for him! He also tells me that WHEN AND IF we get back together is HIS DECISION! AND THAT FOR NOW, we should just be friends and see where that goes........ Which KILLLLLLLLLs my heart....to sit and tell someone how much you love them and they are the only one, and all they have to say back is i think we should just be friends?????? :( not a good feeling.... He and i have had this conversation before and he always just wants to be friends, but i always told myself....and i've told him....."dude, i can't be just friends with someone i love like that... It would be too hard not to kiss him...or what if he starts dating someone.....JESSICA YOU WOULD FLIP AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!" I know how things are gonna be.....but this time....is different! At this point, where we are....this is my only hope to trying to make him see what he has with me! And they always say, "when you love someone let them go!" So i am actually going to TRY to be just a friend for him and let go of the idea of being a girlfriend to him. WHEN or even IF this guy is supposed to be a part of my life romantically, is up to God.