well, alot has changed in... well its been almost a year since i last blogged. ALOT alot has changed.
I no longer live in Tuscaloosa and I am taking a break from school. Money ran a little bit short, which was a little bit devastating to me since I only have a year left before I would graduate. So now, I am living back at home with my madre and I am working for some great eye doctors. I am now single, and reading "Lady in Waiting" and trying to become the best woman I can while waiting for Mr. Right if he shall ever come along.
This is actually my second go around with this book, the first time I was dating someone so I was a little bit selfish and felt like it didn't apply to me. Now, that I am single.... and single by choice because I want to work on myself and my relationship with God, this book is almost like another bible for me haha It is teaching me how to be patient and how to be the virtuous woman of God that my future husband will love so much about me.
It took alot for me to get to this point in my life, where I am actually ok being single and chasing after God. I have, many times, been single and "SAID" that it was by choice to work on myself and get closer to my savior but it was always a lie. In the back of my head I was always secretly looking for the next guy to be in a relationship with. I NEVER ever picked someone worthy of everything I have to offer nor did I pick people who were going to bring me closer to the lord. I settled several times for guys that were the OPPOSITE of what I wanted and needed. At this point in my life, I had been so miserable with my choices that I ended any kind of relationship that could end up bringing me down again and I decided with my WHOLE HEART that I NEED JESUS more than ever before and I thirst for him and desire his best for me. Including the best man and husband he wants to give me. Which means that I have to do the work and follow Him before I can get the desires of my heart.
Its sad, because even now... as I say this....I've had my eye on this guy who is everything I would dream of in a guy. He is godly and funny. And a bunch of other things that I just cant get into right now. However, we are just friends and I would never dare tell him or make any moves ha cause NUMBER 1 he lives like 45 minutes away and I've never met him..we've had lots of time talking but I can't figure him out, and its kinda killing me. He has a million other friends that are girls but I cannnnnnot ask what kind of relationships they are, although there is one girl he seems to talk to more. After making my decision to let God be the mediator and schedule any divine appointments or crossing paths, I am just going to walk away from this guy and forget that I had any feelings for him at all. If God has plans for us, no matter the distance or destination we are in.... The lord will make it happen.
Alright, so that up to date with the LATEST news. I would be typing forever if I tried to update you with this entire year. lol
I missed blogging though. FOREALLLLL its like an outlet. Its not like anyone really reads my blog anyways
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Something is missing!?
Lately, i just feel like I am not in the right place! Tuscaloosa...is just not doin it for me anymore. I don't really know what it is but the spark that I had goin has just kinda died and burnt out some. I get so discouraged because I feel like I have been growin apart from the Lord. I don't feel him like i Used to... It gets easier for me to take a look at sin, and i have started slidin back some. I DON:T WANT TO! I don;t know what else to do. I have prayed.. I have asked the lord to renew me... but... i just don't really feel any different. At the same time, i am still goin to the high school first priorities... and still do the leadership for revolution...and i still act like i am just fine and dandy and my walk with the lord is just perfect.... AND I CANNOT PRETEND ANYMORE! i have talked to a few of my friends about it and they tell me that everyone goes through that phase more than once and to just keep prayin and stay in the wordd..... ok.. .and if i keep doing that.... and it still doesn't work.... THEN WHAT?! then i'm just a hypocrit walking around talkin to these kids and filling them up and i don;t even fill the lords presence! I am confused... I don't even know if i want to do this ministry anymore. Its just not what I thought it would be. I feel like some of the people there are just as fake as I am.. and I don't want to be around other people like that. It seems like they could really care less if i was there or not anyway. Which, to me, is not how a ministry should be. I don't know... maybe i just am all outa whack, i just know that i dont want to be like this anymore! There are so many things I;ve prayed for... and nothing happens.....maybe its because i have doubt...or i dont know! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH im just frustrated and need answers!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
FIND ME ON SKYPe
ohhh and btw.... I would love to hear from my friends and see your faces!
Findme on skype
JESSICALAURENPANNELL
ALABAMA
Findme on skype
JESSICALAURENPANNELL
ALABAMA
life goes on
Hey yall! sorry I haven't been keepin in touch! I really honestly barely have time to do my homework! haha
I recently have had some family disappointments... im not going to display it on my blog though because it actually is rather embarrasing! Just know that my family and I need prayers to get through it! But as my title says... life does go on!
Other than that.... God has really blessed me lately! Tomorrow, I get to speak for the Lord and give my testimony at a high school First Priority meeting! :) YAYYYYY! I have never spoke in front of a group before nor have I ever really told my testimony! So i ask that anyone who reads this would lift me up tonight in your prayers so that to the best of my ability I can say exactly what The Lord would like for me to say. Also, that I would have the courage to speak the truth and not hold anything back! I have a tendency to leave things out sometimes when I get nervous because I talk so dang fast when I get into a story! THanks!
I also ask that you would pray fot god to give me strength to stay commited to him during my period of commitment! Because every time I turn around I seem to develop feelings for a guy! None of them are any good though! Especially this last one...He seemed so perfect other than the fact he lives in a state on the other side of the country! He was actually a good friend of mine in high school and i liked him then but we were friends so i never said anything.. come to find out, he had liked me too! But after I graduated, we never talked bc he got a gf AND went into the navy and moved across country! Well recently, he came home...for a week.. and all of those feelings i had for him came back stronger because he had came out of his little shy shell from when we were in HS and it was pretty hott that he was a little crazier than i remembered! haaaa the other part of him not being perfect... he is really.... wild? should i say... that actually might be an under statement! but needless to say, he is hilarious!
Anyway... when he left I was a bit devistated because I didnt want to lose someone else that I cared about who seemed to fit almost everything I want in a man! BUT it really doesnt matter and shouldnt matter because guys arent supposed to be what I am focused on right now... and honestly, i feel like I am just kinda losing sight of everything God has to offer me! Because guys always get me into a whole heap of trouble and i end up regretting it all! SO yeah... just pray for strength so I can continue to grow in my relationship with God! :)
I recently have had some family disappointments... im not going to display it on my blog though because it actually is rather embarrasing! Just know that my family and I need prayers to get through it! But as my title says... life does go on!
Other than that.... God has really blessed me lately! Tomorrow, I get to speak for the Lord and give my testimony at a high school First Priority meeting! :) YAYYYYY! I have never spoke in front of a group before nor have I ever really told my testimony! So i ask that anyone who reads this would lift me up tonight in your prayers so that to the best of my ability I can say exactly what The Lord would like for me to say. Also, that I would have the courage to speak the truth and not hold anything back! I have a tendency to leave things out sometimes when I get nervous because I talk so dang fast when I get into a story! THanks!
I also ask that you would pray fot god to give me strength to stay commited to him during my period of commitment! Because every time I turn around I seem to develop feelings for a guy! None of them are any good though! Especially this last one...He seemed so perfect other than the fact he lives in a state on the other side of the country! He was actually a good friend of mine in high school and i liked him then but we were friends so i never said anything.. come to find out, he had liked me too! But after I graduated, we never talked bc he got a gf AND went into the navy and moved across country! Well recently, he came home...for a week.. and all of those feelings i had for him came back stronger because he had came out of his little shy shell from when we were in HS and it was pretty hott that he was a little crazier than i remembered! haaaa the other part of him not being perfect... he is really.... wild? should i say... that actually might be an under statement! but needless to say, he is hilarious!
Anyway... when he left I was a bit devistated because I didnt want to lose someone else that I cared about who seemed to fit almost everything I want in a man! BUT it really doesnt matter and shouldnt matter because guys arent supposed to be what I am focused on right now... and honestly, i feel like I am just kinda losing sight of everything God has to offer me! Because guys always get me into a whole heap of trouble and i end up regretting it all! SO yeah... just pray for strength so I can continue to grow in my relationship with God! :)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
hello my lovelies :)
ELLOOOO! I am back... and going to try and stay on top of my blogging, even though I am so so so busy!!!! But life lately has been so exciting! God has taken me places where I can change lives!!
This week started off kind of rocky, I was on commitment to the Lord, and I kinda messed that up with ol boy! I tried to take that situation back into my own hands and again God proved himself that as long as I try to keep that for myself I will lose it. THe reason I tried to take it back into my own hands.. well I didn't try, it just came over me! If that makes sense... But lately I had been reading a book called *Nine ways God Always Speaks* which is basically a book about the signs God shows you, how he shows them to you, who he shows them through, and all that good stuff.... So I got really bold one night and cried out to God like never before and asked him to PLEASEEEEE take my feelings away for this guy if there was nothing for us in the future because I was tired of feeling the way I did!! I said this "God, if at some point, i don't care if its 5 years from now or 5 months or 15 years... if he is supposed to be a part of my life GIVE ME A SIGN!!!" So I will know, and so I can get on with my life! After I prayed and cried so hardddd, I went to bed.... the next morning I had 3 text messages from him and 2 missed calls (I HAVENT HEARD FROM HIM BEFORE THAT IN A WHILE) so when I woke up and saw that i was so confused....was that GoD???? is that a sign?? I asked some friends and they all mainly told me to take it as what it was at the time! that right now I'm on commitment and I need to leave it up to God, because right now ol boy is hindering my walk with God! which is true... so a few days pass and I am still confused and I asked God again, god... I am confused...if that was a sign from you, make it happen again..... SUre enough...the next day...I woke up again with a missed call from him!
I knewwww it was God that time....coinsidences like that dont just happen....as a matter of fact....THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES! Everything is timed by Gods perfect plan. So after I promised myself I WOULDNT TAKE IT BACK into my own hands...... I did... i swore I would not call him or try to do anything, and I did.... I called him that day....he ended up coming over...and once again.. i messed up!
But i can assure you, when he was leaving....I told him to forget about me.... and that I was going to forget about him and block his number....that way, if something were to happen between us, it wouldn't be because he or i tried to make it happen! SOO..in other words...I had to restart my commitment...and this time I have the support of girlfriends and guy friends to make sure i dont get back into that!! No boys til FEB. 6
Other than that, we finally got our High school ministry REVOLUTION up and running... our first one was this past tuesday and it was absolutely amazing and all the glory goes to the Lord!!! We had about 20 high school kids... and thats pretty awesomeeeee for the first week!!!! The city of Tuscaloosa is about to BE ROCKED by jesus and these kids are gonna be shinin so brightttt with the love of christ!!! I can't wait to see how far we can go and how many lives will be changed!!!! WHOOP WHOOPPP
This week started off kind of rocky, I was on commitment to the Lord, and I kinda messed that up with ol boy! I tried to take that situation back into my own hands and again God proved himself that as long as I try to keep that for myself I will lose it. THe reason I tried to take it back into my own hands.. well I didn't try, it just came over me! If that makes sense... But lately I had been reading a book called *Nine ways God Always Speaks* which is basically a book about the signs God shows you, how he shows them to you, who he shows them through, and all that good stuff.... So I got really bold one night and cried out to God like never before and asked him to PLEASEEEEE take my feelings away for this guy if there was nothing for us in the future because I was tired of feeling the way I did!! I said this "God, if at some point, i don't care if its 5 years from now or 5 months or 15 years... if he is supposed to be a part of my life GIVE ME A SIGN!!!" So I will know, and so I can get on with my life! After I prayed and cried so hardddd, I went to bed.... the next morning I had 3 text messages from him and 2 missed calls (I HAVENT HEARD FROM HIM BEFORE THAT IN A WHILE) so when I woke up and saw that i was so confused....was that GoD???? is that a sign?? I asked some friends and they all mainly told me to take it as what it was at the time! that right now I'm on commitment and I need to leave it up to God, because right now ol boy is hindering my walk with God! which is true... so a few days pass and I am still confused and I asked God again, god... I am confused...if that was a sign from you, make it happen again..... SUre enough...the next day...I woke up again with a missed call from him!
I knewwww it was God that time....coinsidences like that dont just happen....as a matter of fact....THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES! Everything is timed by Gods perfect plan. So after I promised myself I WOULDNT TAKE IT BACK into my own hands...... I did... i swore I would not call him or try to do anything, and I did.... I called him that day....he ended up coming over...and once again.. i messed up!
But i can assure you, when he was leaving....I told him to forget about me.... and that I was going to forget about him and block his number....that way, if something were to happen between us, it wouldn't be because he or i tried to make it happen! SOO..in other words...I had to restart my commitment...and this time I have the support of girlfriends and guy friends to make sure i dont get back into that!! No boys til FEB. 6
Other than that, we finally got our High school ministry REVOLUTION up and running... our first one was this past tuesday and it was absolutely amazing and all the glory goes to the Lord!!! We had about 20 high school kids... and thats pretty awesomeeeee for the first week!!!! The city of Tuscaloosa is about to BE ROCKED by jesus and these kids are gonna be shinin so brightttt with the love of christ!!! I can't wait to see how far we can go and how many lives will be changed!!!! WHOOP WHOOPPP
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
....BuSy BEE
So, school has started back.... AND I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED! oh brother! I cannot seem to get on track with my volunteer hours.... my work hours.... church hours.....God hours.....school hours...... homework hours....! GEEEZZZZZ! it seems like its never going to end! haha While I say all of that..... I honestly..... HAVE TO GIVE GOD GLORY! I prayed and prayed and prayed and then prayed some more for the Lord to fill my life with opporunities to change lives and be a light for Him! I prayed that he would keep me so busy that I would have no time what so ever to think about my past, the people from my past who hurt me, or boys PERIOD.... and he SURE ENOUGHHHHHH as the sky is blue made my semester RIDICULOUSLY busy! :)) But I am so stinkin excited to get started because I am so anxious to see where He is going to take me. I know that doors I didn't even know existed are about to be opened for me.
I am taking 2 classes in which I have to volunteer. Through out this semester, I have to volunteer 100 hours..... yes... ONE HUNDRED hours! One of the places, is an after school care program for At Risk children..... another place is a society in which I get to help in almost every aspect of a persons life..... with food.... shelter....clothing....therapy...finding a job... WHAT ELSE COULD I ASK FOR???? Not only am I going to get a chance to be an example in other peoples lives.... I am also, MYSELF, going to be changed forever by the people I encounter.
I cannot be more thankful to the Lord.
I am soooooo ready to get started!!!!!!
I am taking 2 classes in which I have to volunteer. Through out this semester, I have to volunteer 100 hours..... yes... ONE HUNDRED hours! One of the places, is an after school care program for At Risk children..... another place is a society in which I get to help in almost every aspect of a persons life..... with food.... shelter....clothing....therapy...finding a job... WHAT ELSE COULD I ASK FOR???? Not only am I going to get a chance to be an example in other peoples lives.... I am also, MYSELF, going to be changed forever by the people I encounter.
I cannot be more thankful to the Lord.
I am soooooo ready to get started!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
not happenin
so....the friends thing didn't work...its like the enemy does everything in his power to make me crazy mad and jealous...when I shouldn't care in the first place because I gave it to God to deal with....solo HOWWWW does that little devil always manipulate me..I always believe the lies! Pastor Chris at church of the highlands talked about spiritual warfare the others day..and the mind is the most powerful source to create stories and believe them..its so easy to think about something and then the enemy creeps on into your thoughts telling you crap cause that's where our deepest secrets are and that snake twists the grub all kinda ways so you will fall back into his traps! Dont be fooled by his liesssss....they are all lies...the people you are mad at..dont be mad at them because its the enemy INSIDE their minds which causes them to act rude and mean! THe enemy loves for a person to be vulnerable so then that way he can get in your mind and start working to start fights with people about ridiculous things!!! I have honestly come to the conclusion that I will most definitely always love deval...but its the lords decision on if we are ever together again...and that depends on deVals CHOICE to live for God or the world. ...I can't be with someone who is on a downward path going no where... I give GOd control of this situation completely this time...I have to prove to myself..God...and my ex..that I am fine BY MYSELF...and that the only man I need in my life is the lord! ya feel me??? LOL I'm physically tired of being stressed about that situation and for now...its over for good....I'm falling in love with Jesus...and thats the end.
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